I have always felt guilty about the time I've spent with Todd and the way I have neglected him a lot/raised him/not stood up for what was right for him (ie - not out of bed sooner/etc), etc - not to mention lack of job=>support=>insurance/etc. So in no way, shape, form or fashion do I regret him being here. I feel so bad about how he had fallen through the cracks in so many ways with us - none of this is his fault, and yet he has suffered physically, mentally, and emtionally. He's my only son and I can't allow this to continue.
Note: There are many other things that I think about constantly that I always feel the need to preface with similar words - it's a sign I feel guilty about saying it or something, etc.
I have completely fallen apart since he's been here due to several reasons:
- Worried sick about his reaction to a new school and how he would be perceived/treated
- Not realizing how out of shape he was and therefore limiting his progress through exercise, and even slacking off about that lately
- Pressure trying to keep something here that he will eat that somehow is better for him and yet something he will eat, much less try. So far - except for extremely limiting the amount of junk/drinks he has had available - that's kind of been a failure. I am limited with funds and ability to get to town/purchase them...much less trying to get them.
- Feeling helpless to be able to spend much time with him. There is nothing for him to watch on tv due to mom's dish subscriptions or lack thereof - and even then we would be limited to doing so while Mom wasn't here. He still has no friends he can play with nor can I take him there/etc. I obviously can't take him to town much.
- Feeling overwhelmed with one of the few things I can possibly do - Snap/Tanf/medicaid/etc...apparently there's a 3 month limit to that if you aren't working but 3 months is better than nothing. I have been confused by the form and who needs to be included/etc...sometimes it looks like we will get nothing because Shelly's income will be included and sometimes it looks like it it won't. I will have to call someone and get help with a walkthrough.
- Momhovering™ - although that has been limited and she's overall really just concerned and trying to be helpful.
- Seeing him everyday has made me face up to the guilt about the way his life has been, especially the past 2-4 years as he has gained weight and fallen behind in school more and depended upon gaming as his only outlet for fun/friends. It's one thing to be out of mind "up there"...but being here...well, that's reality, folks.
- Lack of privacy with him always being in here =>more pressure, more things to think about=>less time...this was already happening with Mom
- Shellguments™/worried about "us"/worried about her.
I need to do the following asap:
- Fill out his free lunch thing
- Get walkthrough on snap/tanf/medicaid/etc
- Clothes-shorts/tshirts
- What am I going to do about tickets? That's another thing that has been causing me grief. Knowing that one day I was going to have to pay fines, but not expecting Mom to have to spend excess cash on beds now that Todd's here, totally throwing that idea out the window. And unable to make payment arrangements.
- More help with school/etc
- Jobs=>networking/Robert/Tommy/etc
- Get working out again - running/weights/ab workouts
- Eating better
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