I'm more than a little upset about losing my temper last night. Yes, Mom has gotten on my nerves about trying to "Micromanage" Todd and his homework, etc. As I explained to Joe (and as I'm sure I will do over and over again today and many times in the future), this is a change for her and she is also very concerned about his physical and mental health and his performance in school. But sometimes...it's a bit much. I'll just have to get used to it.
Losing my temper is one thing. Throwing the phone is another. It's that split second fit of rage that still shows up periodically...out of the blue...that both saddens and confuses me. Perhaps it shouldn't confuse me. I've been that way for a long time. So let's see. It's not high blood pressure. It's not from staying up 3 days in a row on Adderall. However, there is a lot of stress since Todd came down. I'll say this again as well. I have welcomed this challenge. I wondered many times if I would ever get the chance to be a real father to him again - not just one who saw him on weekends a couple of times a month. In other words, a chance to make a difference in his life. For some reason, out of the 5+ weeks here, I feel like I have flopped. I'm not patient and caring enough and I need to be more of that. His workouts need to be increased and his gaming decreased. He needs to be dealing with homework better.
I don't know what the future holds. Just because Shelly made a comment a couple of weeks ago that "I still love you and hope we can get past this" does not mean we will get back together. I don't know what will happen.
No comments:
Post a Comment