I don't know. I really don't. I don't have a clue where we go from here.
I have survived the past two weeks by not letting my mind wander too far or think hardly at all about the "impossibility" or "implausibility" of us somehow being together again. There are so many layers of...whatever. Todd wanting/needing to go to school here - so I need to find a way to provide income here. And a place to live. And Shelly not wanting to leave "up there". For whatever reason. I'm sure a part of it is exactly what she thinks. She wants to be able to get on on her feet again by living with Bill for awhile. She knows/thinks she can't count on me right now. And I haven't given her a reason to think otherwise. Yet. I understand that. I understand that any REAL attempt would have to include me bringing something to the table other than being a really great "going to the store to get her wine without being asked" or installing Imacros or servicing her computer. Or whether I can become a much better lover than she ever remembered. Or being in the greatest shape of my life. I really do understand that. In the meantime, it is like it is. Which, if we did manage to see each other ever few weeks and spend some quality time together (including Todd)...would be a vast improvement over the way it has been. At some point a decision will have to be made. I guess it is wrong for me to assume this or that or to think about all the stuff we need to overcome and all the hoops that need to be jumped through. One step at a time. And last night, due to being somewhat down about being alone on my birthday, I was ready to throw a monkey wrench into that over a "non response" to a text I sent about 9:45 last night.
What does non-response mean? I don't know. It was sent about the time her class would have been ending. I know it could have been a large, demanding class. I know she worked all day. I know she was probably toasted. Does it mean she went out last night? I don't know. I tend to think it really means she was doing something a lot more important than responding to my text. Whatever that means. When I feel down, it means she was out doing something else. Was she? I don't know. I have no idea why she wouldn't have responded. She gets lots of texts from a lot of people. Sometimes...I just take it to mean that I am the lowest priority on her totem pole. I don't know. It irritated me. Perhaps it shouldn't have. I am glad I didn't go postal. It wouldn't be worth it. But...I forsee a lot of opportunities for this to happen as long as "it" is "like this". I wonder how strong I can be and for how long. I wish I had something to bring to the table right now. For Shelly AND Todd. And for myself.
Sometimes, like it always has been, as long as "getting a job" is an abstract concept that doesn't have to be acted upon that very moment - I can almost convince myself that it can be done. Other times, like now - when I have to deal with the reality of the situation - it becomes something else. It becomes the fact that I haven't had a job in 10 years. That I have 10 years worth of holes on my resume to fill. That I have perhaps the shittiest credit imaginable. Add to those things the simple fact that I am over 50 in a job market that is probably one step above being shitty...not to mention the simple fact I have NEVER been good about getting one in the first place - and you have...me with a marriage in shambles living at my Mom's with no car and a lifetime of disappointments. I need to play to my strengths.
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