Some More Thoughts

A thought just occurred to me as I was sitting on the back porch having a smoke:  I'm always at least a step behind.  This thought has occurred to me in the past at various times.  What do I mean by this?  For example - Shelly "deciding" 3+ years ago that she was "done" and started losing weight and eventually cheating.   Me focusing on "Cali" when he was basically done and "ass finisher" was in the picture.  So it makes me wonder, perhaps - what's going on now that I don't know about?

In a way, it makes me feel like a dumbass.  An idiot.  That's really not fair.  When I think about how confusing this has all been, I'm not surprised.  And it's not necessarily like I can ever expect her to honest, truthful, and forthcoming.  There are always two points of view.  Mine and hers.  I tend to think of mine in terms of overall relationship/family defining.  What's right (at least to me).  It seems she tends to think in more practical terms (at least to her).  I've been thinking to myself lately in terms of things she has said lately (I still love my husband/blah blah blah).  To me, that was a defining moment, full of universal truths and meaning.  It might not mean that to her.  I expect someone who says something like that to shy away from the need to "see other people" (fuck other people).  I expect someone who says that to want to spend time with me.  A lot more frequently than every 6 weeks.  As such, I feel like the only way for me to move forward is to give her the benefit of the doubt - at least for the near future.  Shelly?  I don't know what she thinks.  I have not put those cards on the table yet.  I'm not sure I will have the opportunity to do so this weekend.  And all attempts to broach the subject in the past have led to major arguments/fights/accusations/hurt feelings/etc.  All of that just leaves me wondering.  Yes - what she "said" COULD be a major step in the right direction.  IF she really meant it, and didn't say it because it was a highly emotional moment (our 20th Anniversary) or because she was drunk, or both.  Who knows?  Unfortunately, only time will tell.  And in the meantime, it still leaves good ol' Todd constantly searching for validation, some kind of comfort zone.