For The First Time

I really got so far down that I really, for a brief moment, considered suicide.  In my mind's eye, I saw myself sitting in the tracker in the garage, with a garden hose running from the tailpipe to the driver's side window.  I think I'm past that, but considering the past few months (on top of a very, very long period of time of shit), I've had it.  I don't know that I'll ever be able to work again.  With 8.5 years of downtime, poor credit getting worse, and my history of jobs and job searching, I just don't see it.  If that's the case, I don't know what I offer to anyone - Shelly and Todd, not to mention myself.  It's a life I'm not happy with living, but I really don't want to die, either.  So here I sit.