Well Now...(and an update)

...or perhaps we should go with the update on the latest big fight from Saturday night 12/8:

Things did not go well...in fact, very badly indeed - until perhaps towards the end of her lunch about 11:30 am.  She came in and we talked and cleared up a few things.  I want to say I don't know why I got upset, and in retrospect perhaps I shouldn't...but some of it was her fault and partly due to the fact that she got drunken.  The long and short of it is this:  when given reminders of how so very little she is actually "attracted" to me anymore (disclaimer:  she claims a lot of it is due to her "distancing" herself from me over the last year especially...but for a longer period in fact.  I do believe a lot of it...although I think there are things she could do (such as fantasizing about her lost toy constantly) to help make things better) and missing her latino lover...I can only take so much.  I was very tired, going on little to no sleep.
I don't know...

Aside from that..."slow" me finally started putting a few things together.  Some of these things I realized quite awhile back...but for one reason or another either put it on the back burner/forgot/whatever...such as:

• Damn straight she's not very attracted to me.  If she was, she would find some way to fuck me constantly instead of finding other things to do, regardless of whether or not it's the "perfect" hotel situation.  I know this from her constant horniness regarding other guys.
• I'm pretty sure I was getting it a lot more while she was fucking Cali on the side as "payment" for letting her fuck him.  It was to keep me happy, not because she wanted to.
• I have to come up with ways (income, however which way) to help provide for the family...as well as continue to be all around better (which I have been very successful at, I think) to get back in her overall "good graces" and stay there.
• Until I do that, there's very little I can do as far as what I'd like to see happen...a chance for us to concentrate more on rebuilding us and our sexual and emotional relationship instead of constantly trolling for other guys.  Doesn't mean she can't fuck other guys...but more of an emphasis on "us".
• Sometimes I wasn't as aware of this as I should have been...it just wasn't discussed...and when we fucked and she seemed to be enjoying it, I thought I was doing a better job.  It was just a lot easier to convince her to fuck when she was doing it as a "reward" for being able to fuck Cali.  At the time, I just thought it meant things were going better and progressing.