Some Things

Just trying to outline some of the things that I face in my uphill battle to get my marriage back/fixed/whatever:

• A daily struggle with being out of Todd and Shelly's lives.  Each day that goes by I feel a little less important - less necessary/less of an objective for her to be a part of anymore.  There are events/things that happen sometimes that make it a little better - but mostly things that make it worse.
• The knowledge that after all of this time, I know that she still holds me responsible for everything.  Losing the house is the biggest - but everything leading up to it.  If she holds herself responsible for anything it is  made less of an issue (if she acknowledges it at all).  Eg:  cheating and everything that followed was wrong - but it's because of me and what I did over the years that made her want to cheat and everything that followed is my fault.  No acknowledgement about her part in not helping to manage money and how the cheating and the way she treated me afterwards had a killer effect on me mentally/emotionally.  No acknowledgement that she should have chosen the house and me instead of Cali/etc)
• "No promises/No guarantees".  After all this time.  Even though she says she loves me and misses me - from an overall standpoint of wanting to do something about it (something concrete) to being able to chat/text/call on a daily basis or wanting to see me in the interim - and that really sticks in my craw and also makes me wonder a lot of things.  If she has an agenda (like is she stringing me a long/is she dating someone or does she want to)