Note: Not that any of this really matters, as it soley represents the views of Todd, and as we all know, Todd's feelings/views/etc have no merit so they immediately invalidated.
I can't really see that this matters. The point is that I was sucked in again. I thought things this summer were genuine. That's why I kept going. That's why I wanted to keep trying. I knew it was a helluva road to hoe. I figured the odds were tremedously stacked against us. If I looked at the big picture, there were so many unanswered questions it really made me want to think "Why bother?". She basically hasn't given a good reason for why she's acting differently. I've heard things come out of her mouth but none that makes much sense. We went from her constantly texting and telling me what she wanted me to do to her body parts. That she missed me. Would send me pics of whatever painting she had worked on that night. Would text me when she got home and text late. It made me feel like I mattered again. That I was wanted by her again. For the last 3 weeks...nothing like that. And for what reason? I know not.
It's a now familiar cycle. Things build up. I get pissed. I try to blow them off for awhile, knowing my history of feeling guilty after the fact and wondering if it was indeed worth the blowup/fight/arguing. Then something comes along to make me forget all of that and go off. I kind of wanted to write this stuff down because when I get upset I can't seem to gather my thoughts, much less express them via text/email or in a conversation. But I'm sure that just won't matter anyway. My point of view is always wrong and meaningless. I have no status because "I didn't work".
So what brought all this up? Am I just an Ogre™ after all? Delusional? Delusional Ogre™? The somewhat short version: After finding out at the end of April that she had been lying to me all along about Cali, that seemed to be it for me and I spent most of May feeling that way...leading up to Todd's birthday. We got along...I took him home a few weeks later...and things kind of clicked. I have to admit I was extremely skeptical and figured the odds were long. Anyway, things have not been the same since I brought Todd home 3 weeks ago. Nothing sexual in nature. Nothing late at night...the whole tone has changed. It feels like it was before. Perhaps worse because things were so much dramatically different in the summer. That made me care and made me want to try to make it work. She made me feel wanted - necessary in her life again. This stuff the last three weeks? More like an afterthought - the kind of "regrettably unnecessary" baggage that you had laying around 135 miles away that you had to put up with. There are some things I have always felt but never mentioned because I knew there wasn't much if anything I could do about it. Her drinking and her drinking and hanging out in bars constantly. I don't care if she isn't "looking". I don't like my wife being a regular in bars. Going occasionally is one thing. 2-3 times a week? Shit. Not only was I being cut out of things...it just got to the point where she would reply to stuff with "yeah". Final straw was the other night. Like she had to fucking force herself to tell me that the party went "good". And that was it. Yeah that fucking pissed me off.
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