I've experienced a lot of things over the past 3.5+ years. Mostly lows as I've dealt with a situation that most of the time seemed hopeless. And hopeless it is, I'm afraid. What can you really say after all the things I have seen and experienced and heard? It is quite obvious to me that I'm the loser here, regardless. I don't want a divorce, but it seems I have no other option. Despite the things I've heard from Shelly, as I have learned there's a big difference between words and actions. When you get right down to it, we don't see things the same way. Marriage or anything. I can't possibly fix anything in this position (living here), combined with the fact that she really doesn't want to live here and the zillions of other things she does. She's already got a life that doesn't include me. Or Todd. And she's not going to fucking change it for me or him.
She has moved on. She's shut me out of her life. Lied to me repeatedly. Insisted on prerequisites that I can't possibly meet to ever fix anything. In short, she really doesn't want to fix anything or it wouldn't be this way. She would find a way. We would find a way. At least a way to genuinely put some REAL concerted effort into fixing it. There's no guarantees on anything, but at least I'd feel better if we had given it a shot. 3.5 years later and 2.5 years separated, it's just worse. And there was never one genuine attempt by Shelly to do anything other than give lip service to it. While I sit here trying to figure out why it's like this and what could possibly be done to fix it, she's dating and screwing and just generally going on in life.
And you're goddamn right that I'm pissed about it. Obviously being pissed (angry) about it is secondary to the hurt. This was a big deal to me. Marriage. I made my mistakes but I always thought that we both were stronger than this. That we could overcome things. I guess I was wrong, because I see no effort on her part except to destroy us.
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