Recurring Thoughts

I don't know what to think or do anymore.  It almost varies from day to day and sometimes within the same day.  In my heart...I don't know.  I don't think there's anything that can be done.

I'm in one of those recurring phases now where I'm feeling guilty over having gotten mad at her NY's Eve and ended up talking trash to her.  That is an endless, recurring cycle.  No matter what she does or how right I am (or at least think I am) etc etc...at some point I'm not mad at her anymore.

I've got a lot on my plate right now.  Trying to get this damn shoulder taken care of...being able to m ove on from that to getting limits from Mom so I can start searching for a car, while getting the ball rolling so I can get on the sub list @ Malakoff.  Hopefully soon (depending on if I need surgery/reco very/etc) I will have a vehicle and starting out the sub stuff...I'd like to think if they like me I might be able to get 6-8 gigs a month.  Depending on whether they take out taxes or not (I don't think so - I think u get a 1099).  That would give me anywhere from 400-500 bucks per month.  Not a lot, but it's a start -and it would get me out and about with other people and boost my confidence.  Plus give me time to look for something else.

In the meantime, I don't know what to say.  I couldn't even tell you what our "status" was after all of our arguing and fighting since November (Fireman and everything associated with her choices to do things like that again).  We have gotten along well the past...week or so.  Which included a visit up there when I went to the Dr on Monday, 1/12/15 with Todd along playing hookey.  The only thing I can say is that I need to get myself taken care of (job/etc)...and I'll see how it goes.  But I'm just not going to let it go on like this for much longer.

I'm very proud of her for drying out, obviously.  But...as I have found out many times before, the more she says that all she's doing is working (no time for "whatever") the more I find out she is doing "whatever"...and doing everything in the world except spend time with us.  That is what has caused this whole damn thing.