After Friday's (1/23/2015) short little text outburst by me and finally Shelly texting me Sunday and asking "Well, what did I do now to make you mad"...
It's not necessarily that I want to ignore her, although that is part of it. Part of it is how do I respond truthfully without starting another kind of argument? It's no secret "this" all changed 11/11/14 after I found out about the "Fireman" and its aftermath...and we have been arguing constantly ever since. Mostly it's a one to two week cycle. It's not just what happened, it's the meaning of it all. Her intent. The big picture. By intent I mean her insistence that she can do whatever the hell she wants with whomever she wants and if I don't like it I can divorce her. And in the meantime, well...she might see us MAYBE every 4-6 weeks. Leaning more towards the 6 weeks unless it's a holiday or I have a Dr's appt up there. I was thinking today about what had changed to make me feel this way. It's not like I have felt great about things, but lately it's been worse. It's the carefree way she spends time on NY's eve with Jolene/whomever (whatever she REALLY did)...or going out clubbing. And that's the few instances of things I know about. Who knows what else goes on?
Obviously I was not happy with the way things had been going since Mid-August. I knew there was something wrong because she treated me differently and STILL does. Didn't get any good answers out of her for awhile...even the old "I backed off because you didn't have a job" blah blah blah didn't really sink in. OK. Back off is one thing, but fucking others/clubbing/whatever...well...that along with what I had been putting up with. Giving her the benefit of the doubt and saying "yeah, she works a lot". And clubs and fucks. But rarely with me. This ain't working anything out. It's not trying to fix things. It's not anything.
All I know is it's been 73 days since I got laid. And I strongly suspect it hasn't been that long for her.
Yes, all of that upsets me. And I end up getting angry. And we argue about the same old shit I don't want to argue about anymore.
This little article here...got me crying out loud at about 3:30 this morning when I woke up:
http://goo.gl/ZteRzF
But it was number 5 that got me crying. Several times. Because I realize that's the way I want us to be. But it doesn't appear that it's going to turn out like that.
5. “He and I have had our lowest moments together, but have come out on the other side.” — Amina P., Summit, NJ
It says right in the wedding vows that everything won’t be a walk in the park, but that’s easy to overlook in the tulle-and-cake-induced fugue of your big day. In the ensuing years, surviving the tough stuff together is a huge sign you have what it takes to get through anything. A 2011 study found that couples who believe marriage will last forever, no matter what, survive longer than those who don’t fully believe in the concept of till death do us part. Yes, the going will get tough, but knowing you’re both 110% committed to staying the course is essential.
And so...I don't know how to respond. I don't want to start another bitch session.
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