Damn. I Really Don't Know What To Think...

Everytime we have a good visit...regardless of where it was (here/there)...

I don't know.  More than likely I will not continue this thought tonight.   This has been an ongoing issue as long as I've had a blog.  Regardless of what I want to write about.  Stuff to do.  Shelly.  Me.  Us.  The past.  The present.  The future.  I like to verbalize it...but it's hard for me to do one and then the other...

 In case I don't, here's some highlights:

• I never, ever seem to know what's going on in her mind.  At least, nothing close to everything.  I probably never will.  Not at this stage  (Meaning...what can I do?  What can I do?  I don't know.  or Nothing.  Or maybe at a quarter past never at half past 5...nonsensical stuff.
• Every.single.time without fail she makes ME feel guilty about anything and everything.  Not from something she says more often than not...I just start feeling guilty after she buys us dinner/etc.  Let me use the card.  Blah blah blah  Remember the last time I felt that way?  October 13?  Fireman was probably already happening.  
• She still blames me for the most part.  Or at least..."I'm the one that has to win her back"...I have problems with that.  It makes me look like I'm the only one that has done wrong.
• Shoulder/car/job - (All related) Shoulder??? Who knows?Next week perhaps?  If it was a full tear requiring the most invasive (maybe not???) Assuming get it done quickly, etc could be mid march before I'm healed.  However...I could be subbing with an arm in a sling...except I'm right handed.
• Hopefully my half of tax refund will be at least 2K, maybe 2.5K

Addendum:  Tuesday, January 13, 2015 @ 3:30 am:

In addition to the above, (which still needs to be filled in)...

I really just don't think there is much that can be done to "save" anything anymore.  I don't even know if there is anything left to "save".  I'm not even sure that I know "the rest of the story" so to speak.  What I do know and have seen...I haven't liked.  It has turned into one big steaming pile of shit.

I do know this.  I have no idea if I'm right/wrong/and/or whatever percentage I might be right/wrong of any of the above.  I don't even hear any kind of positives.  It's the same old crap, just further along.  Yes, you have a job..."but you're just starting".  "Maybe" if you had a job.  What the hell am I supposed to think when I hear things like that?  Am I supposed to jump up and down and say "Yippee"???  Excuse me if I don't.  Something very, very positive needs to happen soon.  And I would like to be able to say that I have done everything I can within reason...but if things don't change for the better soon, I need to...change them.  Permanently.  There is just too much at stake.  For myself and Todd.  This..."arrangement"...suits no one.