Here's My Thinking

I have come to what you might call an epiphany.

To elaborate on this, I'll go back to last Tuesday, when I started off the day "down" and then suddenly got pumped when thinking about what I would do.  I got pumped thinking about getting the shoulder and stuff taken care of, getting in to the Malakoff HS sub program=>getting a car=>being out in the working world again=>raising my self-esteem and confidence, while at the same time going all out nuts on sweeps by getting Imacros going like I like and learning and implementing everything there is to know about it and automating it.  Also taking tech courses online and brushing up on my Office skills=>applying @ other places and getting a "real" full time job, etc etc.  Which, of course, (in my mind) would lead to Shelly and I getting back together etc etc etc.

That sounded great from Tuesday afternoon until...this weekend sometime.  Perhaps Friday evening or Saturday.  Then it just kind of hit me, for some reason.  It's like it always happens to me...you see the same things, think the same things over and over again and then suddenly one day you gain new insight into your situation.  My new insight was to realize that I am so far out of the loop, so far from being "integrated" into her life...that there's hardly any realistic hope that any of that "getting back together" or "working things out" stuff is going to happen.

The attitude that would allow "working things out"/"getting back together/etc was present last summer.  It gave me great hope.  The Shelly that reappeared in mid-August (if not, than shortly after I brought Todd back down here)...is not really interested in that and that's why she has acted the way she has...and subsequently leading me to act the way I have.  I'm not ever going to try to justify some of my anger-induced texting/email arguments.  I'm not trying to say that it's not reasonable that I felt that way.  Just...in getting into those arguments, it was not EVER going to serve any purpose to sit there and tell a person how they're SUPPOSED to feel and what they are SUPPOSED to be doing and expect them to say "You know what, you're right.  And I'm going to start acting exactly the way you want me to and all of this is going to work out".  Right.

So now I've kind of gotten back into the "down" or "What's the use" mode.

I can certainly understand why.  And for the most part-not that I want to be pessimistic and end up having it become a self-fulfilling prophecy-but I wouldn't be surprised if that's the way things went down.  It Is What It Is.  No shit.  But...I feel obligated to try my best while I still can.  Being mean before she comes and/or acting all silent and withdrawn while she is here is only going to ensure that we fail.  And then what will I have?  Nothing.  I can't guarantee anything will happen at this point.  But I have to do everything I can until then.