Some Thoughts About Shelly

Overcoming all of this may very well prove to be insurmountable.  I have often wondered/chided myself for putting up with so much of the crap she's dealt me...and not getting any credit for it...and then wondering why history seems to repeat itself.

I don't know what's what about this.  As if I ever did about anything, right?  But if it COULD be...if I decided to try...a lot of stuff needs to change for the better, and right quick!

Some thoughts:

• I have long gone back and forth from being so completely pissed at her about a lot of stuff, from Cali onward.  One minute I'm blaming her, the next feeling guilt over not having done enough/anything.  I still do that.  I am definitely in a shitty place/position for jobs for someone in my position/history.
• I am sick and tired of her deflecting/blaming everything on me.  Never taking responsibility for the huge steaming pile of shit that she's done to me...leading me to think
• She's messed up.  Drinking?  Yes.  But son of a bitch.  The lying/hiding shit from me.  I can't trust her for shit and that's no joke.  And I'm sick of it.
• She always makes time for Jolene.  Monetarily.  Birthday presents. Time.  Jolene ain't her goddamn son or her husband.  And she's a fucking adult.  Worry about something or someone else.
• Is she addicted to sex or something?  Goddamn.  For five years...I have a sneaking suspicion she's into a lot more stuff that I don't know about.  And I don't like what she does with the fucking/texting/lying about it.  And lying about everything.  Not to mention flip flopping on shit/feelings about me from one minute to the next.
• I think the thing to do is to try to be nice/positive as possible...without losing sight that this shit is not going to just go away.  I'd like to have a face to face chat with her when Todd goes up there for the summer soon.

I guess a few final thoughts:

• I've had my doubts FOREVER that us "being back together" was a long shot at best.   Even on the best of my days.  But this last barrage of shit...and lies...I just have no goddamn clue.  Well, yes.  I do.  It's some of the shittiest things she has ever done to me.  And if that is indicative of what goes on a lot...this shit just needs to be done.  It can't be fixed while she's up there and I'm down here.  So something has to change for the better.  Soon....but overall, how in the fuck is it even possible to get past this.  What's more...how in the fuck can I even believe that she really wants to after this shit?  These last two things that I've learned about... are just complete shit.  And it's not something that if you are "found out" that you say OK, yeah, I won't do that again.  Fuck.  It just blows me away.

Addendum:

I'll be the first one to admit that I certainly have issues.  But sonofabitch.  Every time I think about Shelly and the shit she does anymore...it just makes me shake my head.