A Little Clarity, For What It's Worth...

After the anger and disappointment over the past few days, once again starting with C texts...and all the back and forth - I have kind of calmed down and realized a few things.  I think some of the problem has stemmed from more of an "inference" from Shelly - feedback on my talk of the possible "jobs"/us getting along (if only via text or chat)/her wanting me to come up...things of that nature.  For the first time, I heard her say "us" last week when I was talking about the possibility of getting a job.  "Small step for us" - or something like that.  I felt better.  It all does kind of go back to last week with the jobs thing - which both of them have pretty much turned out to be duds.  But thinking about that (on the meds, of course) gave me a little clarity and some hope.  Especially when I needed a vision of...something different than it was now.

That vision was important because it gave me an idea of a "bridge" somewhat between what we have now (nothing) and what it could have been (and still could be) in a few weeks - something along these lines:  job=>car=>ability to travel and spend time with them=>get something "rekindled"=>whatever that leads to after that.

However, that same vision ( or that same line of thinking) made me realize how long it's been and how little we have seen each other.  And everything that has entailed up this point.

• Not seeing them at all
• No sex
• Them getting used to me being gone
• Being easily replaced

I don't know.  I should have known better.  I mean, really...I just can't believe that this can go on much longer unless it gets a little better.  It HAS to.  And that means I need to make some changes (Job/etc) fast.  And then I still don't know.  Anything short of me being up there, which means me having a job (and obviously getting one first) is...something that means we are apart, and I ultimately find that unacceptable.   It brings to mind this simple question, obviously:  How in the screaming fuck did I EVER make it this far?  I don't know.


Update:  Friday, January 24, 2014 @ 11:10 am

Well, believe it or not, I do feel better.  Last night I started wondering how in the hell I went from OK (generally speaking) to being very upset.

As far as I can tell - it's pretty much like I outlined in the top of this post.  I think the meds have an impact, since they give me the ability to "think" better.  Sometimes that is not a good thing when you shouldn't be "thinking" so much - especially about stuff that is particularly painful to think about.

The truth of the matter is this:  Shelly and I see things differently.  It's not that she doesn't know or she should know - I don't think anyone who hasn't been in the situation I was in could understand.  She knows how it affected her, and I "get" that.  What does this mean?  I don't know.  It's kinda like she says - no guarantees - but I don't think the final chapter has been written yet, meaning it's still up to me - but it will be a difficult process.  Very difficult.  I have to keep doing what I've been doing workout wise and do a lot better with the eating.  This improves me physically, and I know for a fact that translates into improvement mentally.  I need to get a job and very soon so I can get a car asap.  And start doing the things I talked about (Michelle willing).  I don't know where it goes from there or how quickly - I guess it depends on us.

There is no doubt in my mind it is scary.  Thinking about this brings back some painful memories about how it all went down.  And I am scared that every day I'm away from there things will get worse - and for me, it's another day of my life wasted, to some extent.