This morning and last night (and to some extent increasingly so just about every day since getting back on the meds almost a week ago) I seem to have to have started reaching some SMH revelations about my marriage...or rather, what's left of it.
At first, after getting the meds 1/14 and getting some news about possible jobs from Mom, I was very excited. Things started coming into focus for the first time in a long time. And not surprisingly - since that's what the meds do for me. I was thinking that within a few weeks, I could be starting a job, making money, getting a car. A car meant being able to go back up to FTW for visits more frequently - and possible overnight stays if allowed. I knew it would be a somewhat slow and sometimes overwhelming process - but it seemed like it was possible. And it gave me hope about "us" for the first time in a long time.
And slowly, a few realities set in. As they always have when I think about the actual very low possibility that we ever really will get back together. Over the past few days I've started realizing how much is already gone and how that really affects our chances. I already don't know what goes on in her life anymore. For the first time in 20 years...suddenly I'm gone out of her life.
It just really amazes me sometimes...how this suddenly pops up into my mind. I figure I should have realized this much sooner. And perhaps I would have if I had not been without meds for so long. However, sometimes I just want to judge myself too harshly. Hindsight is 20/20. I have been through a lot. Physcially. Mentally. Emotionally.
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