Ahhh...I don't know why I named it that. Who cares? Why give a flying fuck about anything anymore?
I was thinking on my lil' walk this morning. I do miss being married. I miss us all together. Despite everything, I deeply regret us going basically incommunicado and the fact that any where from a few days from now til a month from now I will be filing for divorce and before the end of the year, we will be divorced. However much I regret all this, including my part in all of this that started things, I resent even more the path Shelly has chosen and her goddamn selfishness, refusing to detour from said path. There are many things that piss me off. I have realized over the past 10-11 weeks that the longer we go like this, the more pissed I get at her and the more unforgiving I am of her and the way she has treated me the past 2-3 years. It makes me realize how goddamn stupid I was to EVER let her treat me the way she has and let her get away with it. Yes, the stand I ended up taking in July 2015 is one that apparently is going to lead us to divorce, but it's the path I should have chosen from the beginning. To not take it...bought me some time, but was it really worth an extra year of living together and enduring all that heartache? I wonder. Really, it didn't...not under the circumstances (as I saw them) 3 years ago. Hindsight is 20/20 without a doubt. I had no idea of what I was up against nor how it would turn out. If I had, at the very least...instead of fighting for our marriage, I would have been fight for myself to make something of myself with the time I had left up there. I don't know...so much has been so different from what I thought. However, as much as I hate the way things are, the way things have been, and apparently the most assured outcome, there is no way in hell I'm wrong about what I am doing.
More later. Possibly.
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