Regrets

• Shelly approach towards us/marriage counseling (expand here - 1st refusal (Cali) and then "ok but no good til you get a job, which was meaningless since I've been here and the lack of realistic job opportunities around here (and the fact I didn't have a car til this year).  Saying that didn't have an effect?  I know it did,  her commitment to "working it out" was always so short lived before she would start thinking about how I "wronged" her...and then I would start getting stuff like pictures of her room with the caption "this is all I have left"...texts like "You ruined my life".  Anytime Erika went on a cruise...anger at me because somebody was doing something fun that she wanted to do but she couldn't.  All the while hanging out at bars, getting on hookup sites and getting her ass pounded in someone's hot tub while telling me she wasn't fucking/seeing anyone else.  Until 6 months later when she would drunkenly tell me about said incidents, and then wonder why I got pissed after I realized that she had been fucking lying to me the whole time.  Like trust repeatedly broken doesn't matter at all in a relationship.  Especially with your husband.  And out of the almost 14 months he's been down here, never, ever, ever making an effort to see us (or him) more often than every 5 or 6 weeks.  Why not, Shelly?  "I work two jobs"...so...you could never, ever SCHEDULE a complete weekend off (well - once when we took him to Tyler on spring break for the weekend) to see a husband you claimed to still love and a son you missed so much.  Huh?  In 14 plus months?  And this was "The worst mistake you ever made"...and yet you always sabotaged any real attempts made by both of us.  "I'm messed up".  Yeah, you are.  I am too.  I still have nightmares about it.  And not just at night.  Never once was I (or our marriage) important enough to work at without simultaneously hanging out at bars.

So yeah, I guess you made a mistake.  Don't ask me "How I'm feeling" unless you really want to know, since you don't really want to know.  As if you didn't know how I feel.  I don't think it really matters to you how I'm feeling, since the perception I get is busy, broke, but generally happy.  You've probably seamlessly transitioned into another relationship by now.  Or at least found a good fuckbuddy or two or three that you can have carefree, mindless nonstop sex that absolutely "rocks your world", full of mindblowing orgasms that leave you wondering "Why did I stay married to that fuckhead all those years - this is where it's at".  You must be the absolute best at picking sexual partners (obviously besides me), because every single one of them (according to you) is THE absolute "World's Best Lover" starting of course, with the A-lister Miguel "Cali" Manzano, who you spent almost 2 years with and absolutely, positively refused to quit fucking and still would be with today if he hadn't finally dumped you to marry the other oblivious cunt who was hand-picked and approved by his whackjob religion.  Despite telling me that you always knew you couldn't have a relationship with him long term and it was "sex only"...except it was never sex only.  And you HAD to have him, regardless of what it did  to me/us/our ultimately, to our son.   Yes, it was "sex only"...that's why on multiple occasions I had to lay next to you as you sobbed because he had "broken up" with you yet again.  Imagine that, a husband laying next to his wife having to COMFORT HER because she's upset about being dumped and crying her eyes out by her LOVER and it was "sex only".  I was absolutely stupid not to have seen it wasn't sex only a lot sooner.  Of course, I was always pretty stupid when trying to figure out women in general, much less you.  Especially the last three years.  But anyway...you seem to have the innate ability to pick the World's BEST LOVERS...all of them 1000x better than me.  Despite me always reading stories that the majority of men absolutely suck at pleasing a woman and all they care about is getting their rocks off and going to sleep.  Your lovers never do...they get your rocks off like I never could and they get NON STOP 12 hour fucksessions...while I got "Are you done yet" after 15 minutes.  Or you watching tv or texting on your phone while you were having your pussy eating.  Absolutely riveted were you.

Was I what I should have been, even before 3 years ago or the job issues?  Absolutely not.  And not a day goes by since then that I haven't thought about it and regretted it.  And I did my absolute best at trying to treat you the way you should have been always the last year in our house.  I tried to do special things for you, be it get you coffee in the morning to anything else I could think of to make you happy.  I am not proud of what I was, besides the lack of job.  As for that, you always act like I just sat there and had a carefree existence,  almost gleefully sending you off to work and thinking "How am I gonna fuck up Shelly's life today".  It was anything but that, always.  I don't expect you to fully understand because you've never been through it, but it was a mind numbing spiral downward that started quickly after I got laid off and was a living hell for me full of guilt and shame and hopelessness that I *myself* couldn't bring myself out of.  Every day was generally worse than the next, and the longer it went, the worse it got.  I know it's not an easy thing to ask but just once, instead of just bitching at me once every month to get a job, I wish you could have done something, anything to help me (your husband) to something practical to actually solve the issues that were preventing me from working.  It should have been obvious that I was unable to deal with it myself and it wasn't because I PREFERRED to watch us spiral into the black hole of financial oblivion and actually hate myself much more than you hated me.  And you can't tell someone who was as far down as I was to just "man up".  It didn't have anything to do with "manning up".  It was about someone who was so far down he couldn't even begin to help himself.  And it started long before I met you.  I never, ever knew what I wanted to do with myself.  Even in High School.  I just knew I needed to go to college and that I was certainly smart enough to do it.  I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I took classes.  When I absolutely HAD to declare a major I chose something I knew I had plenty of knowledge of and was good at, but the practical applications of the degree were limited.  And when I got out, I still didn't know what I wanted to do...but I found jobs.  And wasn't happy with them for the most part because I had no career path or sense of direction and certainly wasn't making the kind of money I could have if I had found something more suited to having a degree.  And it bothered me.  Not because the jobs were "beneath me" or I was too good for this/that/another...but because I knew I could do better.  I always felt that way.  Even with Verizon.  And I loved that job and the people I worked with.  But I always felt like I was an underachiever because I was.  I wanted to do something I enjoyed and felt passionate about...something that was a career with more earning potential.  I just didn't know what.  In the meantime...I edged out layoff after layoff.  First at Nissan and later Verizon.  And I knew I was always going to be up against that with jobs like that.  When I got laid off at Verizon I was determined to come up with something better.  Something that could make me feel good about myself, made use of my degree, and something that I wouldn't have to constantly worry about getting laid off from.  I made a lot of mistakes after getting laid off.  It was a good thought about trying to learn something to better myself/make more money/and feel good about...but I quickly fell into a trap of being ashamed that I didn't have a job and I constantly worried about finances, which quickly led to an endless loop of pressure and guilt that made the depression worse.  And the more I thought about it and worried about it, the worse I felt.  I don't expect you to understand now.  You never did then.  I think you thought I enjoyed it or something.  I hated it.  I hated myself.  And the worse off we got the more I hated myself and that made everything else worse. I was trapped.  It was to the point where I wasn't going to be able to come out of it on my own.  Somehow, someway, I needed your help.  It is tough.  It is much easier said than done.  Instead, you let your hatred of me build up to the point where all you wanted to do was secretly plot your escape from me.  Which led up to the events of 3 years ago and everything since.  Which begs the question...have you bettered yourself through all this?  Where are you, 3 years later?  3 goddamn years of chasing after a stupid shithead Mexican that you KNEW you had no business having a relationship with.  And yet you wouldn't stop, regardless of what it was going to do and eventually did.  And in the process, lied to me repeatedly about your relationship with him.  I think to this day that you miss him more than you've missed me.   You were obviously more troubled by him breaking up with you than our marriage or anything else.  You never even bothered to SCREAM at me for hours like you did with him as he was fixing your car.  You gave me the silent treatment as my punishment.  Even something as silly as Alex...sensing how upset you were.  Offering to go beat up Cali.  Todd?  Well, let him go silently in the night because he's a complete fuckup, unworthy of your time.  Cali - let's kick his ass because this wonderful human being whose value to Shelly was 1000x Todd's to you - really hurt you.  Not that I wanted anyone wanting to actually kick my ass...but apparently I was of so little value to you that I didn't even merit an ass kicking.  

So how do I feel?  Betrayed.  Do you even understand or realize (much less care.  Well, I know you don't care) why I've acted the way I have since July?  Because you gave me no choice.  I'll give you a hint.  You can't fix a marriage by saying you want to "Work things out" and simultaneously saying that you are going to screw who you want to and date who you want to.  Don't believe me?  Google it.  Ask someone besides your girlfriends, who obviously have heard endless stories about "My fuckup husband and what he's done to me".  Or maybe they haven't, because I mean so little to you.  I'm sure they have heard more about the Great and Wonderful Sex God MIGUEL MANZANO than about me.  He was the PRIZE THAT GOT AWAY.  Besides giving one of your patented snarky-ass comments, how in the hell did you ever think that continuing to fuck others after telling me that you wanted to work things out was the way to go?  Did you think that was some magical carrot to dangle in front of me, the "Offer he can't resist - but he did"???  Why is Todd rejecting this?  You know what I've head from you at various times over the last couple of years?  "It'll be like we're dating again"...You know, as goddamn stupid as I am, I know that marriage (or fixing one) is not a goddamn dating contest.  Your husband can't be one of several potential suitors that are "vying for the hand of Shelly".  That's not how it works.  And I can't believe...that you can really think that is any way to realistically expect it to be fixed that way.  And apparently that has ALWAYS been your intent.  I was stupid enough to ASSUME June 2014 when you told me you wanted us to work things out that you, too were on that same page.  That you wouldn't be on hookup sites getting your ass pounded in someone's hot tub while telling me we were working things out.  Or getting  your rocks off in your car getting fucked by someone 20 years younger.  And having the pure, unmitigated gall to get pissed at me when I found out who it was and talked to him and he backed off.

The perception is...that I am the only one that has something to prove.  That I am the one on trial.  That it's all SHELLY'S decision...that you dictate the terms of our marriage.  I'm the one that has to prove myself worthy of you...but in the meantime, you can do whatever the hell you want to do with whomever you want.  And that you have NOTHING to prove to me.  That you can show up once every 6 weeks and say "Here I am"...and your part is done.  That trust is not part of the process and that there should be no repercussions of being lied to over and over again.  That it's all about TODD getting a job.  Problem is, it's not just about that.  In your mind, it's yeah, you get a job...and then at some unknown point in the future YOU will decide if you want to reconcile.  But in the meantime you get to do what you want.  And I shouldn't get upset about anything.  "Don't worry about what I do up here".  Are you fucking kidding me?  That's a laugher.  I can't believe you ever said that.

You want to know what the reality is?  You have me stuck in a place where I am forced to stay in order to give Todd the school he wants.  Let's see...I stay here and make Todd happy but I can't do anything about my life and ensure my marriage totally goes away.  Or I do what's best for ME and get the fuck out of here where I can get a job and get on with my life, but now I take Todd away from school that he likes and does great in.

And you like to think that marriage counseling would do no good?  I've seen the results of this the past two years.  Whenever you want to "work things out" because "you still love your husband"...that lasts all of a week or two.  Until Erika goes on a cruise and you start hating me because that is not you.  Or out of the blue you send me pictures of your room at Bill's with the caption "This is all I have left" or your second car has problems and instantly you blame me.  Even though I haven't been a financial liability in your life for 2 goddamn years, I still get the blame.  On the other hand, do I get mad at you?  Yeah, I damn sure do.  When I find out repeatedly that you have been lying and screwing someone and being on dating sites when we were supposed to be "working things out".  Is that NOT supposed to piss me off?  If so, why not?

You know why it's been the way it has since July?  Because I can no longer give you any reason to think for one moment that I find it acceptable for you screw whomever you want.  Because I'm not going to send you flowers, send you "I Love You" cards or "Thinking of You", knowing that more than likely the day you get cards or flowers or texts from me...that you've got your legs spread for someone else.  I'm not ever going to do it again in that situation.  Talk about humiliation.

And what's more?  For you to "come back to me" when I have a job...it shows me you weren't willing to stand by me through better or worse.  Only when it got better.  That's not how a marriage works, Shelly.  You should know better.  You've got to be there through the bad and the good.  Not slink off and cheat with a stupidass goddamn mexican.  And then only come back when you deem me worthy.  There's a reason we said for better or worse.  Not "When I feel like it".

Note to Shelly:  Don't ask how I'm feeling if you don't really want to know.

You want to know how I'm feeling?  Betrayed.  Again.  You want to know why I don't/can't talk to you and pretty much haven't for 2 months?  Because I can't do or say anything that gives you the least little impression or inkling that fucking/dating others is acceptable to me in any way/shape or fashion.  Period.  I'm absolutely stunned, hurt and flabbergasted that you can think to any extent that is an acceptable way to "work things out".  I can't tell you "I Love You" or that I'm thinking about you or "I Miss You" knowing with absolute certainty that on the day I say those things or send those things that you've been in bed with someone else and/or "dating" someone else.  I just can't and won't do it anymore.  Marriage is not a dating competition.  I can forgive any one of the many things you have done to me, but I can't forgive it knowing that it still goes on.  I've done that for 3 goddamn years and it has gotten me nowhere.  I have put up with stuff on an ongoing basis that no man in their right mind should ever have put up with.  And to see you go right back to that...is something I will never, ever accept again.  And once again, you were going to do it and just not tell me you were doing it.

And you know what?  You have me over a barrel.  I have to choose between doing what is best for me (getting the fuck out of here and moving to a city where I can get a decent job and finally get back on my feet or staying HERE so my son has a place he can enjoy going to school and not only enjoy it, but thrive at it, for once).  Even though he likes nothing else about this place, he likes the school.  And to this point, I've chosen trying to do what's right for him.  Even though it's not right for ME in any other way, shape, form or fashion.  I don't like it either.  I tolerate it because I want HIM to be happy and I end up getting punished by you for it.  That...saddens me.  I am not the only one who needs to prove themselves worthy.  What you do, what you have done for 3 years and obviously continue to do, doesn't do anything but tell me you have no interest in us actually being together again.  I can't continue putting up with it.  And I won't.  There isn't anyone in their right mind that would agree that the way you're going about it is right.  But I don't think you really care about that.  I think you enjoy dating.  I think you enjoy the feeling you get by having other guys tell you you're sexy and hot.  It doesn't mean anything coming from me, just from the other guys.  I'm tired of being told ...either by your actions or words...that my opinions and feelings mean absolutely nothing and that your way is the only way and I either have to like it or hit the road.  You, by yourself, do not get to dictate the terms of our marriage nor how we work things out, or if indeed we stay married.  I doubt that matters much to you.  I'm quite positive you have easily transitioned into another relationship without giving it much of a second thought, if any.  If not a relationship, than most certainly a regular fuckbuddy or two.  I've told you many times I was not going to do it this way.  It's never been the right thing to do and it still isn't...and if this is the way you want it then this is the way it's going to finish.  And I can't believe you...messaging me a few weeks ago while at the Sara Evans concert and acting like what you are doing is dangling some magical carrot in front of me and I'm a fool for not accepting it.  No, I've been a fool for accepting it the last 3 years.  And what I'm doing now is what I should have done 3 years ago.  NOT putting up with it.  Because it's complete crap.  And to think that you don't know it's complete crap really befuddles me.  So...yeah.  That's how I'm feeling.  Like I said.  If you didn't want to know, you shouldn't have asked.  I'd be surprised if you even read it to the end.  Probably hit the delete button right away.