Accepting A Few Facts

I need to accept a few facts here.  One is I have continuously made errors in judgment in regards to Shelly and her mindset and how that's affected us in the past, present, and future.

We see things completely differently now.  Whatever switched got flipped 3 years ago (actually longer, since she admits that pretty much a year before this all happened and she started "getting in shape" was when she had decided to leave me).  We may still be legally married, but that's all it is in her view.  Separation means she can do whatever she wants, to her.  I don't understand that and never will.  Especially when you throw in all those "I really hope we make it" and "I still love my husband" blah blah blah.  I don't understand how she thinks that will actually happen while she acts the way she does.  If you listen closely to the things she says...it's always "I don't know what I want"/I'm going to see other people (she has NEVER backed off that...it's just the few times things seemed really good I ASSUMED that would be the case.  And she's even gone as far as saying that she "wasn't" at a particular time.  Unfortunately, since it's become the norm that I've found out after that fact that she has lied to me every damn time, how in the hell can I EVER trust her?  I can't, more than likely.   No matter what she might say from time to time as far as "it" being on both of us etc etc...she still blames most of her issues on me past, present, and future.  She doesn't have any remorse about the things she has done.  She never really has.  She has never even apologized for it. Not Cali.  Not Fireman.  Not assfucker and lying about him.  Not the shitstorm SHE caused by the "bracelet incident".  Not only that, but I certainly remember how PISSED she was whenever I apparently "drove" fireman away.  That reeks of the Cali incident, where she claimed he had "dumped" her (when he really hadn't).  No matter what she says.  Not the "It was the worst mistake of her life - my husband and my son are gone".  Yeah.  Well, she's really done a lot to change that, hasn't she?  Even the ever increasing realism that we will probably get divorced because of this hasn't changed her mind or her ways.  No, it can't possibly be due to things she has done.  And continues to do.

I have to understand with that mindset, there will NEVER be a time where she actually thinks differently nor acts differently.  Before this completely crashes for good and we are past the point of no return, she's NOT going to call or text me one day saying she's sorry and for us to at least ATTEMPT to do something differently.  She doesn't feel that way and never will.  No matter what I do.  She's too goddamn stubborn.  She always has been.  Factor in the person she has been the last 3 years...and you have this situation we're in.   It's not going to change.  She's not going to change.  EVER.  No matter what happens, no matter what price she pays.