But I hate it. I absolutely, positively despise it. When I speak of this, I am referring to the fact that I'm 52 years old with a BS in Political Science, but I've never, ever known "What I Wanted To Do" - as in for a career. I couldn't tell you when I was 18 and I can't tell you now. I settled on a BS in Political Science with a minor in History after having to flip flop them because History would have meant a BA, which meant a foreign language requirement. I really hated this idea. Regardless, I didn't know what the fuck I was going to do with a History major much less Political Science major. Originally, I had wanted to go to law school. After taking 5 years to get a 4 year degree with something a little bit less than perfect grades (ha ha), I knew law school was not for me. And so I graduated. Finally. August 1986, although I wouldn't know about it until October 1986 (that story will not be told here). And I still didn't know what the fuck I wanted to do.
Hell, it was so goddamn bad that when it came time to fill out "Objective" on a resume (BTW, I understand "Objective" is considered passe now and you don't put them on a resume) - I didn't know WTF to put. I was stumped. I knew I couldn't put "Get a fucking job" on there. I fiddled around with stupid stuff, like Mutual Fund sales (right, like I was a fucking salesman). And then Paralegal school, which I didn't actually graduate from because I didn't do a final project.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. After screwing around for a few months after college graduation, trying to figure out wtf I wanted to do (with no success), I got offered a job working at my radio station again (minimum wage). The radio station had always been my favorite place, but there was no money in it and I knew I didn't want to stay in Palestine, TX. By the time I left there to move to Fort Worth and live with my Grandmother Troutt in Ft Worth, it was August 1987. And I was still faced with that fact I had no goddamn idea WTF I wanted to do, nor how to go about it. I was lost. And it would start a trend that followed me to this day. A string of call center jobs (Budget) and office clerk jobs (Nissan and Verizon) followed. I actually stayed at Verizon long enough (6 years) to make decent money (for me at the time at least) and I had pretty good 401k and phone benefits. Towards the end, it troubled me that (at the time) I was 40 years old and still didn't know wtf I wanted to do with my life and had done absolutely fucking ZERO with my degree. But I hated change AND interviewing and knew there was no way in hell I was ever going to leave Verizon voluntarily. So I didn't. Until April 1994, when I was laid off when my job was relocated to New Jersey. And that began 11 years of hell that ended up with my wife cheating on me and us eventually separating. And me still without a goddamn job. No identity. Living with my mother. And almost no hope.
I don't know how to change it.
More to come - addressing the future: Wanting to get back into the workforce after 11.5 years with shitty credit and an 11 year whole on my resume. How to I overcome that? There are 3 options: I come up with a convincing lie (which might work for a temp agency). Tell the truth and face the consequences (If I don't get something because I told the truth, I'm going to lie my fucking ass off after that) or network through some old high school friends and acquaintances out here that could basically "walk" me into a job with no interview or at best a cursory interview in which I already have the job. And then where do I go? I figure, especially around here, the money isn't going to be that great. I don't know any specifics, but I figure I might be lucky to get 12 bucks an hour or so. And that would be fine...in some respects. I need to have a job to have an identity and do get some confidence back and get on my feet. Especially if Shelly and I divorce. I can't even date. I have nothing to offer someone. I don't even have any bottom teeth, for God's sake.
Future possibilities have always included upgrading skills tech wise, but even then - I still have the gap in my resume. Shitty credit. Interviewing skills that suck because of the aforementioned things (that were always there and made worse the longer I've gone without a job). 52 years old and no experience in the Tech field. So, even if I did "study hard" and make good grades, what in the fuck would that do for me at this point? Lounge around and fantasize about the tech job I might get if I could just get hired or go for an interview? What caused all this in the first place? Low self esteem? How in the fuck do I ever get over this, especially at 52?
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