Thoughts From The Things I Should Have Realized By Now Department

Saturday, September 26, 2015:

• We're going to have to get divorced.  And it does really kind of matter when.  I do have a few things to figure out.  I probably need to do a little research (ha!) on things like how to approach it with your kid.  Possible self-help resources.  I would like to have a job before it happens, but that will have little impact in the end.  Note - If I do have a job BEFORE, then I have to come up with the $$ myself.  Something to consider.
• Reasons for above - As if I really, really need to say it.  I do believe a couple of things.  There is a love/hate aspect with Shelly.  I think she does love me in a lot of ways (perhaps)...but she's never, ever going to forgive me for the years of unemployment and the effect it had on us.  Regardless of anything I say.  Regardless of what she's done to me.  Regardless of what effect this will have on Todd.  Job or no job.  And I am no longer in a position (like I ever was in a position) to deal with her...philanderings and the way she treats me (us) down here like we were second class stepchildren.  No, I was never in a position to mentally or emotionally deal with the way she has treated me - but I kept thinking it was somehow going to change.  After 2 years where we are, I know it never will.  And I am just not going to sit here with my life on hold with no plans or path whatsoever.  It was a noble idea for awhile and I wish it WOULD have happened...but the reality is I could be sitting here forever believing/rationalizing...and all it does it make me feel worse and make my life suck more and I'm 52 and I can't do this anymore.
• I've got to force myself to get shit done.  Period.  That's the only way I'm ever going to feel better about myself.  The longer it goes on, the worse I feel.  The worse I feel, the harder it is to "feel" like doing anything...and it's an endless toilet flush cycle.  I may swirl around the pot longer...but it still ends up with me going down the toilet unless I break this goddamn cycle of nothingness.