I Have No Idea

What the future holds for me, but apparently it will not include Shelly.  At all.

I have to admit, regardless of anything, it really saddens me.  I don't know that I could ever accurately describe the emotions I feel.  22+ years of history, gone.  There are so many videos and pictures and...everything...that it will be hard to watch or deal with for a long time.

As it is, if I value my mental and emotional state of mind, there is no way I can ever hope to  or seek to "work things out" with her.  It doesn't matter the situation, there's only one way it will end up.  Badly.  I have been fighting this battle for either 2 or 3 years (depending on your perspective), and it's a battle I can't win.  I've rationalized away various reasons why it didn't work or whatever in the past, and the truth is, there just isn't a situation short of a miracle that it would ever happen anyway.  Whether she admits it or not, she's moved on in a big way.  I felt it a long time ago and I've hated what I've seen and the effect it's had on me and our relationship.  I analyzed things forever and a day trying to understand what different situations meant and how this piece of the puzzle fit, etc.  And there's just no way it ever will.  There's too much water under the bridge.  And although I might hate myself at times for feeling this way, I really want her to feel the pain from the repeated stupid, dumbass, selfish choices she has made.  I could never, ever understand how she could say things like how much she wanted us to work things out, and yet go out and do everything in the goddamn world to sabotage "us" and then get pissed at me about it.  I don't understand the way her mind works.  I don't  know the person she has morphed into and I just can't deal with it anymore.  It's like she has no comprehension of right and wrong and the consequences of her selfish actions.

I would like to think of her reflecting on how things have gone after Todd gets down here and she realizes how things are going to be.  Not just for a short while, but permanently.  I doubt this will happen.  If it does, it will be years down the road - waaayyy too late to do any good for us.  This person she has morphed into over the past 3 years...is just something I can't deal with.  And won't anymore.