I Have To Ask Myself A Serious Question

As I sit here and think about all the various emotions I'm feeling right now, there is one question I have to ask myself:  Why in the hell have I tried so hard for someone who has treated me the way she has over the past 3 years?

The short answer is - I don't know.

The long answer is - I actually have thought about this many times over the last 3 years.  Sometimes in passing.  I don't know if I've actually given it any thought.  And there are various issues.  In looking at the big picture, the things she has done I don't think a lot of people would put up with.  I have actually rationalized her behavior because of the position I've been in.  Which is the same now (basically) as it was 3 years ago.  It's a guilt trip.  No job.  Guilt over the way I've treated her over the years and wanting to make up for it.  And somehow...in my mind, at least, some kind of misguided thinking that it's  some kind of phase and that there's something I can do (job + extra extra loving) to "change" her back to the person who loved me all those years.  That we could potentially "turn the corner".

The reality is that none of that was probably ever going to happen.  Regardless of what I did or when I did it.  She crossed a line when she cheated (and perhaps even before) and it's been a steady slope downward ever since.  Everything about our relationship has been in her corner the last three years.  The final decision of whether she could "love me again" or letting go of Cali.  When I think of what she did...forcing me to accept Cali as her "side piece" and saying it was "just sex" when I sat there and saw her cry numerous times as he dumped her...saw her make the decision to not only keep seeing his sorry as instead of letting us file bk and save the house and our marriage and then obsessively pursue a "relationship" with him the minute I left town and then lie about it for the next 9 months.  Just to keep me off her back.  And then all the other lies about who she has been screwing/dating sites/lack of remorse about her acts.  Not to mention the way she would virtually ignore not only me but Todd while he was down here for school...and just go out with buddies and hang out at bars, flirt with guys.  To this day she acts like that.

All of these things constantly crossed my mind.  And at all times it concerned me.  Various times it angered me.  As I think back...that I was fighting for someone who did all those things for me.  Yet I don't even get any credit for that from her.