Update: I'm not as panicky as I was earlier. I still haven't talk to mom about $$. I don't know how she will react, honestly. I wish it was not as serious as I know it to be.
And let's be honest - I was thinking about this earlier, when I was a bit panickier...some of these ideas came to fruition a few weeks ago with the first incident, not to mention that I should have and/or wanted to be doing these all along. In looking back, it's kind of scary some of the things piling up against me. Things that I don't think I would have ever let happen before and/or should have been taken care of by now...
- Making sure she's more than sexually satisfied. Well, for my part, I never knew she would make good on the (what I thought was) idle threat to "find it elsewhere". That's been kind of a running joke with us for a long time. At least I took it that way. I know there's been a lot of things wrong for some time, like the teeth, blah blah blah and her not wanting to do some things because she was kind of angry at me for not working. Now that's one of the things that worries me. If we fuck 10 days in a row, and I decline on the 11th for some reason, will that be a reason to "shut me down" for awhile, or cut back on me and go to the other guy? Or a reason to just leave? One thing I have to know for sure - these are no longer idle threats. Again, looking back - I was plenty stupid for a lot of things. Of course, hindsight is 20/20. I knew that it bothered Shelly periodically about the jobs stuff...I should have known better a long time ago. God, how stupid was I? Of course, it was never ok - but it wasn't a paramount issue until things started getting real rough financially. By that time, I was having to deal with the issues of imminent doom with money, etc and I was just melting, just falling apart inside with every little mishap. Anyway...getting back to the sex issue - although this really applies to just about everything. I guess I've said all this before...there was some kind of "safeness" built in. I did not think she would ever leave me. I didn't. I knew it could get dicey at times, either due to financial stuff and/or me "getting raunchy". I tried not to let either of those happen. This time, it was probably mostly finances but obviously even Shelly can say enough is enough. I don't think it is just that. I think a lot of it has to do with her feelings of self-worth, both in terms of how I treat her and, if something isn't working out right, how she could do on her own. Somehow, I just didn't get it, and I should have.
- I just have to be calm about things. I have to understand that these "things" are going on, and I need to be able to be as calm as possible about them. I certainly don't want to give off any pissy air about them...because that could be it. I know that's kind of frustrating, and I've just got to be ok for awhile. But I would also like to be "top notch" for awhile - providing income/top notch sex/ and a good husband and father. It all goes together. I kind of feel like I'm on trial for awhile, at least. I need to be better than good, and I need to be providing an income somehow, someway, soon. Do I like it? Not necessarily...I certainly WANT to do it. I'm just scared - especially about getting a job. The whole thing. It's a brave new world...in a way besides the fact that I just have to freaking do it...I'm not exactly looking forward to being trapped in a dead-end job working for not so decent wages. Any money will be better than what I'm making now, but still...it's scary. And I think knowing how impossible it was for me to follow through on things makes me think that when I do start working again, it will be near impossible for me to come up with some "Plan" that will "make a lot of money". I don't know where the road goes or where the story ends, but I'm taking the first step.
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