Yep, this was a memorable week. It should certainly go down as one of the most memorably shitty weeks in my 49+ years, and I shall strive forever to not top it...
Let's see...coming close to divorce, coming to terms after realizing just how bad off financially we are. Hint: It's bad. Unfortunately, I am very familiar with low self worth, like feeling like the lowest form of human scum. Dealing with the after affects of Shelly going over to her Dad's and telling everyone we were getting divorced. Feeling jealous when she goes out and wondering what she's really saying and doing. Wondering if she could be secretly planning something like that and blindside me in the future. Wondering if she really does love me anymore.
I know I've done a lot of shitty things in my life, and some of those things have been reflected in my marriage and how I've treated Shelly sometimes. I think she goes too far sometimes, though. Every time I'm gone (like to Mom's once or twice a year), remarking how much she enjoyed it and how the "stress" returned as soon as I entered the door. What a low blow, a kick in the crotch. I don't know that I would ever say something like that to her, even if I did feel that way (which I don't). Feeling so low when you realize that if I did leave, I would have nothing. My son wouldn't even miss me. Since I have no job, my only sense of self-worth (or whatever you would call it) is my family. And they would be gone. I think I've felt worse this week than any one of several times I lost a bunch of money gambling, whether it was money up front that I just lost that I couldn't afford to lose or after winning shitloads, then losing it all back.
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