Weirdness Of September

I probably won't forget the month of September 2012 anytime soon.  With 1/3 of the month remaining, these things have happened:

• Fought and broke up with my wife twice
• Found out she had cheated and thought my world was over
• Been so broke I couldn't pay attention
• Worried we would never be able to save the house; today we got the final loan modification papers and will be able to skip October's payment.  That will help save us.
• Agreed to let Shelly keep her "diff'rent" and didn't feel bad about it

So, where do we go from here?  I don't know.  I'm hoping that I get this job with Leapforce and can just move on from there.  Actually, I would/am going to start entering sweeps on a regular basis starting tomorrow and learn how to automate them as best possible with Imacros 8.  That is the one thing that possibly keeps me going - the thought of being able to automate a bunch of sweeps, increasing our chances for winning.  Which makes me think of how stupid I've been in not doing it long ago.  Pure stupidity.  I really don't know what to say, I should have done it a long time ago.

That said, I really just wish I wasn't the way I am and have been for awhile.  Things just turned to shit financially after April, and actually we weren't (obviously) doing very well before that - even without a house payment.  

I know I've thought a lot about this lately, but I'm going to mention it again.  This has really opened my eyes about our relationship, and I'm both grateful to have another chance to redeem myself but ashamed that somehow I couldn't bring myself to be better long before this.  I think, in my own personal opinion, it was a situation created where either Shelly did not discuss with me the things she wanted and/or she didn't want to because she was angry/somewhat disgusted with me for not having a job for so long and/or some of the "looks" factors...ie my bad teeth.  That's another thing.  I wish I had taken care of that a long time ago.  Now that I have at least uppers, I can say (unfortunately) that I'm still getting used to them, and still can't really eat with them since I have no lowers, but obviously it does a lot for my appearance.  I was really stupid for not getting those taken care of long ago.  I was stupid not to get them done while we had the money.  Various times, perhaps not as much when we had the money, I felt like I had no hope since I looked so bad with my fucked up teeth.  Like I needed any help with my  bad self esteem.