Well...

Once again, I don't know.  I'm either going to drive off into the sunset and go until whatever money I have runs out, kill myself, or I'll stay, get a job, and we'll make it.  Somehow.  Right now I just don't know which.  There's a lot of pressure just on me to be able to find a job and become who I want to be AND who Shelly wants me to be (which are one and the same).

I'm not going to necessarily say anything...in fact, I'm not.  But I'm not going to put up with this "Boyfriend" crap on the side for long.  I don't think it's fair and it's definitely NOT what I want to put up with.  I don't blame her for a lot of things, but I can't understand why she has to have things set up that way.  It's almost sure to doom us.  All she can think about is me cramping her style and denying her potential dick on the side.  I think I've been very open to her...needs.  I've had some jealousy, but it all goes back to her carrying on "on the side", not having a dick on the side.  I know what she says about "why" she says things like she does, but she's right.  I know this "dick" (or at least I think I do).  I can't really stand the thought of going through this every couple of months, and I won't.  So I guess we are doomed no matter what.  She'll never see it my way.  And I don't understand (despite what she has told me) WHY she HAS to keep it that way.  There are things we could do as a couple that could be just as spicy.

I don't know.  She'll either just laugh it off, (silly, stop worrying so much) => Blow it off (fill in the blank),  => Get pissed (whatever) => but what she absolutely will not do is see it the way I do.  And I don't know why.  It's like I was thinking before - and this is about the best way I could ever put it - the person who looks me in the eyes and says she loves me and wants to work things out, is so affectionate and supportive - is not the same person who looks at me and gets pissed if she thinks she is being told that she can't go fuck who she wants when she wants.  I can't connect the dots between the two no matter how I try.  Perhaps it is too late already.  I will be very sad if that's the case.  It's like the second person doesn't care at all.