She's So Hot...

...and I'm not.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to keep her.

She's right about one thing - I do tend to over analyze things.  I kind of miss the relative simplicity of thinking "Do what you need to do, and all will be ok".  It's not so much that I don't believe that...I'm not sure what it is.

However, one thing I'm glad of is that at least hopefully we are steering away from the "boyfriend on the side" type things where she stays overnight.  Even though I know what's going on, etc...I still don't like it.  Which leads one to wonder why I would do something like offer to pay for the hotel room for her to get fucked.  I don't know...there's this generous, loving, caring side to me that genuinely wants to make her happy, including letting her fuck other guys.  As strange as that sounds, I do not only enjoy "blessing" it, so to speak, but also get turned on by it.  That is tempered somewhat when I think about not being to put myself in those situations, at least for now.  I can certainly see her point...even when she has a day off here...it's not like we can relax and enjoy any kind of privacy for long.  Even with a large three bedroom house.  Even when Jolene moves out and Todd gets his own room.  He's too dependent upon us, and that's our own fault.  He is certainly more than capable of heating up his own food and getting his own drinks, etc...and he even "gets it" about not disturbing us (to a certain extent).  Still, it's not the same and there is a need for her to relax and enjoy getting fucked by something ditrent in a hotel room.  That said, even in a purely sexual relationship like this one...I don't like the constant messaging and the things that are said, even understanding the context in which they are said.   The act of sex doesn't really bother me at all.  The cuddling/etc is another thing.

Moving into the "lifestyles" mode...there are positives and some possible negatives...and in hoping to steer her away from the overnight stays and the "dates" with other people...etc...brings on its own challenges.  There's pressure on me to be accepting of it...which I think I will, as long as there are no inequities...but who knows.