Sometimes I Really Wonder...

Where this will all end.  I must say...for the most part, I don't have a clue.  And only time will tell.  Just about 5 weeks in....what are some of the truths?

• I am turned on by her fucking other men.  Monday I gave in, although I really didn't have to consider it.  I willingly did it, just like I offered up our $$ for the hotel room.  In my mind...I was being considerate.  Who knows?  Is she really pushing me to see what my limits are, or just...pushing me and it will get worse?  I think I am about at my limits.  I don't really like the way she said "solly cholly" after me saying I didn't realize the 6 flags thing was the same weekend as the cowboy game.  I don't know that she meant it that way...but this shit better not happen often or I'm not going to be happy.  I hope she doesn't push the limits with me...one week?  If it starts becoming every week...that's too much.  Possibly depending on how things are otherwise.  It does drive me fucking crazy sometimes thinking about it...and I think about it a lot.  Sometimes I think I understand, other times I think I will never understand.  But we've had so many different discussions about it...it's hard for me to think about talking about things again.
• Well, I started to break things down by bullet point, but I put about everything in the first one.  The thing of it is...only time will tell.  I want to believe badly that things are as they seem...that I provide income, be the man she married in the first place (or better - I say that) and good father...then we are good.  But sometimes I wonder.  I do like, in most cases...to know what's going on...but when she talks about how horny she is or how often she wants to fuck...I know in most cases it's not about me.
• There are many ways to think about it, I guess...but one thing that stands out in my mind is I told her I don't want our lives to become a circus (I'm talking about this weekend).  In a lot of ways, I don't want to seem jealous or hurt or demanding...fact is, she does make a lot of time for me.  And I'm glad I went tonight...that's something that's always going to be there.  Perhaps there will be times where I don't want to go somewhere or don't feel the need...I don't think I should decline for the near future...and never make it a habit. 

As far as tomorrow goes...I'm going to play it by ear.  If things don't go as planned...there's no two ways about it...I'm going to feel gypped.  Even though I know how she "feels" about sex with me...if she thinks it is easy to think about her giving him all that time and me so little and like it...she is mistaken.  But there is no way I'm going to get upset.  If it bothers me, I will hide it.  I have to.  There's not going to be any of these "hurt feelings lead to messaging and/or discussions then arguments".  Keep you mouth shut - even if it does hurt and you know it isn't fair.  Keep it shut.