If this wasn't a little old fashioned Karma comin' round. Paybacks for sending flowers to Diane Grimes, and other mistreatment of Shelly. Ahhh...I don't know. That's just another example of my wildly fluctuating emotions.
Once again - do yourself a favor. Do not ever, ever, ever get pissed off about anything, small or not - and let her know about it. Easier said than done, I know. Rarely, if ever, have I been able to just blow things off. Sure, I can get mad, calm down and apologize...and I've already done enough of that. I've gone from pissed off and shaking, positive I would just leave to being sick to my stomach...and then calmed down again. Just don't do it. Not now. That's a lot for me to say. I almost feel like an alcoholic...taking it one day at a time. Sometimes, if I think about everything I need to do...man. Just getting a job would be enough. Especially with our car situation, not to mention our financial situation. And then to get upset off and on just about every day...I said this before, like most things I've been saying lately. Could you imagine me having a job and dealing with this? I'd drive myself fucking crazy, even worse than now. At least now (if that's a good thing) I'm able to sit and smoke and whatever... I don't even have a decent vehicle to take off in If I ever choose to do so.
It's hard for me, but I'll try to do my best. Sometimes I'm not sure what she even really wants from me. I'm not even sure that she knows. I'm sure it's confusing for her as well. I could very well be wrong - and I'm not really going to belabor the point (Bullshit), but I would not be surprised at all if the reason she is here is pretty much what I thought in the car on the way home from taking Todd to school. Before I start trying to make myself believe this true with no exceptions, I'll make this disclaimer: Regardless of my "gut instinct", I've been wrong before. I'm no expert. I wouldn't necessarily be naive enough to think that our situation is so unique that no other situation that's ever been out there could compare to it - but I will say it is pretty strange. Her being head over heels for me for so long, but even that's not enough to put up with all the crap, along with 8.5 years of unemployment. So even with my so-called "transformation" (so to speak) over the past 3 weeks (not to mention the two weeks before) I...don't know. I would certainly say, regardless of whatever agreements we might have and whatever I might say about "Open" and being fine with it to whatever extent - the situation, by its very nature - is something that would be hard for anyone to wrap their head around and think they've got it. Maybe there is some basic psychology or case studies or whatever that could accurately predict the outcome...but I can't.
Married for 17.5 years, together for about 20. She was always head over heels for him. He wasn't for her, and it bothered him for a long time. He couldn't explain it, but also knew she was really the best thing that ever happened to him and didn't want to lose her. He always hoped to feel the giddy joy of being head over heels in love with her as well. Years went by and they had a son. She gave him a beautiful baby boy and all was well. Then he lost his job, and along with it his identity. As the weeks and months passed, he sank further and further into oblivion. His teeth, which had started going bad towards the last of his employment, went without repair for months after she was laid off from her job and there was no insurance to pay for the thousands of dollars of work needed to fix them. His mental self image already shot, the gradual loss of teeth ate away at the last of whatever positive self image he had left, as surely as the acid from numerous carbonated beverages had eaten away the enamel from teeth that had once been part of his huge smile.
The weeks and months flew by and turned into years. His embarrassment over lack of employment turned into his own little prison, built by guilt and shame.
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