Over the years, I can't tell you how many times I have thought about applying for disability. To me, it's certainly a real and ongoing issue. Obviously, just about every time I have thought about it in any sense it's because of a urgent financial need and the need to provide for my family. Just like everything else when it comes down to making $$, when I think and read about the time involved and read percentages, I quite naturally become frustrated and try to think of other means to provide $$. And the times where we have either been very stable financially (or in the rarer case - doing very well financially)...the times where you can REALLY be patient and wait for something good to come from your actions...there's been less of a motivation to do so. I know...
I know one thing. Motivation is not necessarily enough. Take my current situation. It's been 5 weeks since the incident. Wednesday makes 5 weeks since Todd and Shelly returned home from Florida. I have been under the gun financially and emotionally since then...before that...it was just mostly financial, although the guilt and shame caused by the financial stress was pretty bad then as well. What changed was a real, urgent motivation to provide $$ - one way or the other.
To expect things to be stable, at least emotionally, since then...was probably not realistic. There were/have been some things that have happened and/or been discussed that have changed things. I mean, can you really understand or communicate everything via text regarding the situation we were about to encounter? Not realistically. Not to mention...there was obviously a desire to make things work, regardless...and still is. Reality vs expectations is something very different. There were some things I just didn't know...but one thing has not changed. The thought of her performing the sex act with someone else does not bother me. The fact that she enjoys it does not bother me...if I didn't want her to enjoy it, why would I allow it? Hadn't thought of that one before the other day...but the fact that she obviously enjoys it shitloads more than with me...does bother me. Especially after it has made me so hot for her. It kind of led to our last few discussions and big fight. I'm already insecure about my overall looks, weight...sexual performance and desirability...and this thing about her being able to "get away" to a hotel room to enjoy sex while we have to deal with privacy issues here...I don't know.
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