Wow

Well, got a text after the "sorry goodbye" when she left for work at the paint place today.  Told me she loved me...etc.  Had a much better evening after she got home.  I'm not quite sure why I have seemed to have forgotten my attempts not to be angry, etc lately.  And all the "craziness" makes me look bad.  I need to chill out and not speak such stuff.  Sometimes, I can't help it.    And I know I can't help it...especially when something is bothering me to the point where she can tell.  And no matter what, it seems like I am up and down every single day.  Sometimes multiple times per day.  That is crazy, and says a lot about my overall insecurity and anxiety.  Seems like I have said that before, to no avail.  I hope I do better, because I'm quite sure neither one of us will deal with it a lot more.  Yeah, well - like I needed even more eggshells to walk on.

There are a few things that bother me.  Some perhaps I understand but don't like, others I just don't get at all.

• I think I understand, but I certainly don't like it.  Sometimes I'm better with it than others, whether it's hearing about how good her sex on the outside is or just "doing others" in general or just knowing that sex isn't that great with me.  I guess it's not that it is bad with me...it's just spicy and different with others.
• Which leads partially to the problem last night.  She was coming home to "give me lovins" and seemed very happy to do so, and I was genuinely happy.  Then Toddles comes and plants himself in the bed.  Not unexpected in a situation like last night.  Whether it was going out and coming in late and having to do something in another area or just him planting himself in the bedroom because it's late at night..it's a problem.  Understandably, she doesn't want Todd to feel bad.  I don't either...but then again...it was sex.  Yes, it was never a problem before.  And I can't believe I/we let it get to this extent...but...that's when it angered me to think about Shelly having a hotel room to get hers on the side and not being that concerned about "being able to do it" at home...she doesn't really want to do it that much with me...or - she'll do it, but only upon my request.  This lack of concern about "availability" at home and the "hurry up...I've got things to do" comments...really hurt.  And her lack of understanding about why that hurts bothers me.  When really angry like last night/this morning...it was enough to make me say "Fuck it".  And now it's like...don't talk about it or you are going to piss me off.  This after me thinking I had plainly laid out my case as to why it hurt me.   I know she was exhausted, but we have had similar conversations before and it has always turned out the same. That bothers me.
• Which leads me to wonder sometimes...she always gets defensive about "outside sex" vs "our sex"...and generally...do I still know this person that I met 20 years ago and have been married to for 17?  Sometimes I wonder.