I seem to be caught in an endless loop...strange, because I kind of knew this would happen. Even as I was basking in the glory of "Attention From Shelly"...it bothered me, because I had been here before. A lot lately, it seems. Only to come crashing down again like the fully-engulfed Hindenburg. And I did. There were no survivors this time, however. Unless you count the bulk of the thing I used to call me. What's left isn't anything I remember as being me.
Ahhh, that's being a little overly dramatic.
I guess, as I should well know, "never say never". On the other hand, I can read the handwriting on the wall. Perhaps that's the only thing I have left. My memories of previous failed relationships that give me all to familiar clues that signal impending doom. Oh, I don't know. I guess if I am flexible enough, we can last for awhile in some way, shape, form or fashion. In the beginning, I pictured something completely different...it was that way for maybe 1.5 weeks or so. More than likely, this was my fault, too. Or maybe it was nobody's fault. I'm not going to blame her. I've gotten over it, but I don't like the "boyfriend" on the side shit. I could handle pure sex, but that's a relationship. I don't care what she says. She spends waaay too much time dealing with that shit. And she didn't even call me about the truck not starting. Not a word. After all the good feeling this morning and afternoon, that. Completely cut out. Of course, I can't say a word because the only way I know about is through methods I"m not supposed to use. I'm not going to say she lied to me. That would be unnecessary and, without knowing for sure, just another example of me getting mad and popping off and just wanting to say the meanest, rottenest things just because you're really pissed off. Why do something so mean, when 15-20 minutes later I know I'll just feel bad for saying it and have to apologize. I can't say I'll always be able to handle it that way, but at least I am now. Anyway, I'll be here. I'll probably stupidly hang on here...getting my occasional pats on the head to make the doggie feel better and wag his tail for awhile. His owner finally paid attention to him today, so he's happy and stupidly thinks the owner will keep petting him on a regular basis. I'll probably still stupidly be here, waiting to be petted, wagging my tail, clinging to the idea that this time it's gonna work out the way it's supposed to. Right as walks in the door and drops the bombshell that she's in love with one of her lovers and that's it. As I've said - I've been down this road before, and I know how the story ends.
There won't be any discussions - not tonight. I thought I could even win her heart by just saying fuck whoever u want and I'll be there, just tell me everything. Then I get shut out.
I just thought I had an epiphany Sunday. I guess this one was more realistic today. It took me awhile, but it really did hit me today. After awhile of feeling great from our chats...I started to realize how familiar that felt. I backtracked and really mentioned everything I was going to say down here up two paragraphs.
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