Be Very Aware

Despite the title, this post is not designed to scare or cause paranoia.  That said...how do I really feel?

I feel overpowered by our financial situation.  I do think it can be brought under control...but not just by thinking about it.  We've got some serious issues about money going down holes and not knowing where they go...etc although I have a feeling that between food and energy/coffee drinks...I know where a lot of it goes.  Some of it just isn't going to be solved by reducing cost, we need my income.  That is very necessary for a variety of reasons.

I absolutely MUST focus on the important things, and right now that is:

• Making Shelly happy.  This includes a variety of things...showing my love and caring and sweetness at the right times, providing an income (doing the things that get me one)...meaning for now that is trying to get disability and getting the right thing on the side (leapforce or other) perhaps under her name that would allow us to make money in the meantime...while be able to focus on sweeping/other stuff full time.  Other non-monetary things like surprise gifts/going places/dancing/taking care of family
• Some things are just going to have to take time...I realize that but don't necessarily like it.  I hope I get to a place where I am more comfortable with things all the time.  That is an all-encompassing statement, I realize that...that includes a lot of things (again, taking time) like our relationship.  Rebuilding it just takes time.  A great outing or two means a lot to me right now and I'm sure it does to her...but it's going to be things over a period of time that will show and prove the most.
• To me, at this moment, I think things are exactly as they seem and as she has told me.  I have no reason to think or suspect otherwise.  She wouldn't be here if she didn't want things to work.  I also don't think she could act as sweet as she does without wanting it to work.  Sometimes my radar goes up too easily these days...and sometimes I worry too much.  I like being able to trust her and certainly don't want to be making unreasonable demands...
• I just hope that either one of us (more likely Shelly) gets to the point where we have "outgrown" each other to the point it's not worth it.   
• I would like to get to the point where we do the "lifestyle" thing instead of the "boyfriend on the side" thing...there's a lot of things that could go wrong with that...and I'm not talking about Miguel/Cali... I do think that's kinda safe but who knows for sure?  That's what I mean by "be aware"...although, like I said...I think (at least for awhile) my radar really will be sensing personality changes and things out of the ordinary.
• Take time with Todd.  This is as important as anything...perhaps just below making Shelly happy.  This child needs our support and attention and help with school  NOW