Specifically, I was thinking about anxiety. There is a lot of anxiety and fear every single day - not to mention frustration. This applies to several different areas - our marriage and finances. In some ways, the two are interconnected, but I'm not really talking about that part...although there stil is the very real fear of financial abyss putting pressure on our marriage and me. I also get frustrated about little things...such as not being able to buy some decent clothes that fit or perhaps a little something special for Shelly - not to mention Todd.
There's also fear of the unknown. I'm not afraid of Shelly's sex with other men, to a certain extent. I fear it because she doesn't have the same "lust" for me that I do her, and there's things that I can't provide - such as a decent getaway for privacy.
As far as other things...well, there are a few things that I didn't know or understand in the beginning...
- She liked sex with "that guy" and didn't want to give it up. In the beginning, it was just going to be him every two weeks. I don't think (in fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't) I knew that the problem wasn't just "sex with that guy" it was the thrill she got from having sex with other people. It's probably the same feeling I get with her now that I'm turned on by her fucking other people. I just don't like there being that lack of thrill for her (except hood jobs).
- I rightly or wrongly assumed or took from what she said that it was partly based on a lack of trust in me that I would do the things necessary to get our relationship back on track
- I'm not even sure where we go from here, a month later. I feel like so many things have changed. There has been a lot of good between us...even though there have been some misunderstandings.
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