Strangeness

I feel very strange/weird sometimes.  Of course, there's plenty of good reasons for that.  There's all of the things that have happened...in total.  Especially over the past 6-8 weeks.  Even longer when you know the history of what led to all this.  There's the Shelly that I know - or thought I knew - and what she really is.  Which is what?  The strange dichotomy of...sometimes being the person I have always known for the past 20 years...and the person she is or has become that I hardly know.  I'm scared because that person is still almost evolving before my eyes.

Sometimes I'm confident - other times very weak.  My very soul cries from deep within, sometimes scarcely able to recognize who I am, who she is, and what we have become.  And I shudder when I think that this is mostly all my doing.  When I think about us, our 20 years together, our child, and the good times we are having even now I fell better somehow.  And yet, I know there are more challenges ahead.  I'm not necessarily afraid of them, but it is scary.

I hope a lot of things go right Thursday at the Dr's Appt.  I'm certainly going to tell it like it is.  I certainly can't guarantee something for anxiety...but if I don't get it, it won't be because I didn't stress the need for it.  And I really, really have a need for it.  Also...I really don't know what to expect about the potential disability claim.  It's not like I will walk out the door "knowing" that I have it...however, it is possible that I could at least walk out knowing whether or not I have a good case.  And I'm not saying that's going to solve everything...because it won't.  It will do a lot...

As far as things go, I'd be lying if I said the way things have been the last 6 weeks have been easy.  Technically, it's been 8 weeks...since I was put on the spot after the big ol' fight on Labor Day Weekend...but who's counting?  Looking back...it certainly hasn't been all that different from what she said in the beginning, although I have certainly misunderstood things along the way.  Throw in my "snoopings" and how I reacted to that...and you have what we've got.