Interesting

I must say...It makes it better when we communicate, like her telling me (just like she said) after her attempt with the guy at the club tonight.  I hope I can be everything she needs me to be...I need to be, because I really do want to make up for lost time in our relationship by being everything to her from now on that I wasn't before.  I think I know pretty well where she stands, and she knows how I stand about our marriage.  It's important to me in a number of ways.

• Keeping a stable two parent home for Todd
• Keeping our marriage together
• Making it up to Shelly.  She deserves it and much more...and I owe it to myself to do it for her.

It would be wrong of me to say I'm not a little scared.  Keeping a toy on the side is one thing...having unrestricted access to other men...no matter how she feels now, there is no way to tell AT ALL, even if I have a job, we get along great sexually and otherwise, etc...that at some point either she will meet someone that totally blows her away and/or to the point where it causes...problems.  There have to be some limits, and I can't say because I don't even know what she plans to do.

I would hope that whatever happens, that we have discussed it enough and set up the guidelines well enough that there are no questions or problems, but who knows?  I think it's important to have them, but if anything ever did happen emotionally...I don't know if I would be enough to make her pull back and stay.

That's getting ahead of myself...and sometimes I just can't help it.  We have discussed it enough I think she's aware that I don't want our lives to become a circus.  That said, what a "circus" is could mean different things to us.

And we were getting ahead of ourselves...kinda.  I know we had said "open marriage" from the start.  In the beginning, that was the C-man every two weeks.  I probably just hadn't thought about it much, kinda assumed she would just keep him on the side and not do much else.  And I know, at least initially, she just wanted to freedom to do "whatever or whoever", not that she would do it...so, we'll see.  I'm not going to be demanding.  I'm not in a position to demand much yet.  I gave her the green light, even encouraged her...and there's this thing about coming up with boyfriends to get a birthday present...so that's cool.  I'd kinda hope that she not get too crazy...at least forever.

Well...as if I haven't already said it a zillion times...I have absolutely no clue as to how it will be from here on out.  All I can really say is that I have to be ready to back up what I say, and be patient, understanding, open minded, non-jealous...and loving and lustful at the right times in the right amount.

This is a Brave New World...I hope both of us are everything that I'm saying I want to be.  Like I said one other time...I didn't expect it to ever be like this, but it is...and I think we can have a little fun experimenting.  I'm not putting any time limits on it or deadlines or anything like that...that would be really stupid.