I Guess This Is It

Eight weeks later.  Just when I thought things were settling down.  And what did it boil down to?  The goddamn hotel stays.  If that's it, then I'm glad it's over.  But it also will end something that I had thought was beginning to get better and my best chance for doing anything else in my life.  No - scratch that.  I'm not glad it's over.  I don't know what.

I don't know what I will do.  I know what my first thought is.   Kill myself or drive until I can't drive anymore and just die somewhere of starvation or have someone kill me.  Stupid?  Yes.  Pointless?  Yes.  Knee-jerk?  Yes.  Still doesn't mean I won't do it.  Sometimes I already felt like I didn't have much to live for anymore, and this would just about do me in.  That's a shitty attitude, I know - but...

Perhaps I should have just kept my mouth shut - but it bothered me.  At any rate, I doubt I was wrong, at least very wrong.

I should say, however - I don't think I'm expecting anything, regardless.  I know what I would like to think and have happen - but I just don't know.  And regardless of anything else, regardless of what's best for me or us or Todd - I don't really know that mentally I will be able to handle hanging around here.  We'll see...but...I don't know.  Considering the "Abyss" of the alternative, I just don't know.  I don't want that...I know there are few alternatives left for me and not much time...but I think whatever time I do have left here, under the best-case scenario, I should try to make the best of it for as long as possible.  That obviously is probably the "best" thing to do...and easy to say...but I really think I will die a little bit each day.

So...I guess the answer is - I don't know.  I know what I should do.  However, if I had a dollar for every time that I had a decision to make "knowing what I should do vs what I really do"...I would be a rich man today.  Case closed.  And in my heart - despite some things...I don't know if this will change anything...and since this is my last hope, I will be devastated.  Completely.  I'm not quite sure how I would stick around after this.  As a matter of fact, I'm quite scared.  I pretty much have no hope as it is, but this will dash whatever is left.  After all I've said and the points I've made, I'm not 100 percent advocating running off today.  I'm just scared that will be my knee-jerk reaction...and I think it will be.