Things To Think About

No, I haven't actually filed.  But there is nothing but it being "another one of those things" ie: anything that needs to be done that's keeping me from doing it.

I can't help but think she is a selfish goddamn bitch.  As with most selfish goddamn bitches, she'll never admit she's being a selfish bitch, much less do anything to change things.  You can substitute just about anything for "selfish bitch" although there's really no need.

These are a few things I see:

• She seems perfectly happy with her life up there.  She still doesn't make time to see Todd more often than every 5-6 weeks.  Obviously I have not been part of that equation since he's been back for this school year since we have been on the "outs".  But we suffered through the same thing all of last year.  Am I comfortable with seeing her every 6 weeks or so?  No.  If you want to be with someone...it's going to be more often than that.  And it's not that "I work two jobs" bullshit.  In either case...for Todds "package deal" or just Todd himself.  No, one can only assume that she loves her life.  She makes no attempt to be a part of our lives what goes on down here with Todd in school nor does she want us to be a part of her life very often.  This all includes deception about what she's doing and downright "I'm going to do whatever I want".  These are the things I think about when I think that things have gone too far and that they will never change.  She doesn't miss either one of us enough to make any attempt to change anything.  Me...I could see sometimes.  Todd - I can't see it.  That is just fucking weird.  It's so fucking strange it makes me wonder what really goes on up there.  Is she involved with someone and lying about it?  Why should I even care?  There is nothing but the same goddamn bullshit with her.  I don't know what the issue is, but it's a helluva lot more involved than what she says.  And it ain't going to change by "Todd getting a job".  What's more, I ask myself...why in the fuck should I even WANT to be around her after the countless shitty things she has done to me?  And numerous things over the last year...things she has lied about and not apologized for.  Once.  To this day.  

I don't believe there is an answer.  I don't think things can be worked out.  And I refuse to do it on her terms, because they absolutely positively suck.  All that does is make me sent her and resent her (up to and including hating her) for what she has done and what she is doing and that she is perfectly willing to let the whole goddamn thing go to shit (divorce) and she doesn't give one flying fuck.  Now that's goddamn bullshit.