What I Expect...

Or don't expect?

I'm already having second thoughts about this little plan.  Once again, it's all me making overtures.  I can already tell you it's not going to work because nothing has changed, and it's becoming readily apparent to me that it never will.  I act like this is some kind of surprise.  Unless something has changed in her mind that she has yet to make me aware of, which I highly doubt.  Something that would nullify the statements about

• I don't know what I want.  What?  This is a marriage and we have been separated 2 goddamn years.  You rarely see your son (or me...whenever we aren't on the outs).  Perhaps she can't see it, but I sure can.  Everything and everyone else is a priority.  And that is wrong.  Pure, plain and simple.
• You do better with competition.  Again...what?  Is that supposed to motivate me, to have competition for my wife?  What in the GODDAMN FUCK.  That's fucked up.  Period.
• It'll be like we're dating again.  Really.  Except when we dated, as far as I know you didn't screw around on me.  No.  As previously stated, it's been two years.
• If I accidentally get pregnant with Cali's baby, I'm not getting rid of it. (Obviously this happened a long time ago...2.5 years +...but this may be the ultimate What in the GODDAMN FUCK...I should have found the door right then and there.  It shows how messed up I was.
• It's just sex.  Really.  And Cali was "just sex".  Right?  Again.  What in the GODDAMN FUCK.

There are probably plenty of others.  But you tell me.  Who in the fuck can find it so easy to slide into their life and be comfortable with it as is and expect me to believe they want to work things out.  Not just about me...but Todd.  So much time in between visits...it's fucking incredible.

I'm pretty sure...this was a huge mistake.  I guess the only thing I have to lose is whatever time I spend thinking about it.  Or to whatever extent it keeps me from doing other things.  I can almost guarantee you there is absolutely no point in this, because I am way  past the point of accepting any of this crap.  Regardless of what it means.