Note - This part here I am writing after the fact. I had a completely different intent when I started writing this below. After I got done with it and realized all the things that were on it and everything that's happened the last three years, I realized that I really don't think I can forgive you for it. At various times I have...but it just keeps going and going and going. And I don't think it's going to stop, regardless of what I do. I am pretty much done trying. In fact, I am done trying. I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall and I am tired of dealing with it. Mentally and emotionally. After all this time I still can't see a change in your or your approach to things, which has always included the one thing you know I despise. And it's the one thing you keep doing. I've told you forever that I couldn't deal with it and wouldn't be a part of anything that included your incessant desire to fuck other people. You have absolutely refused to pay any attention to what I've said at any point the last three years. In fact, you've gone out of your way to basically ignore everything I've said about it.
I think what really gets me is you seem to think all of the stuff you've done to me is...trivial and that I should keep blowing it off. I can assure you it's not trivial. And you've never apologized for any of it. What's worse is you just.keep.doing.it. And yes, the part about fixing our credit? I agree it's very important - but one important distinction is that is something we do as a couple in the REAL process of working things out. Not as a some kind of "prerequisite" as determined by Shelly. As one of many prerequisites, some of which seem to include getting back together at "whenever Shelly feels like it". And in the meantime, you can do whatever you want. That's something I'm just not going to tolerate anymore. I am just completely done with it being this way anymore, period. I've already started on the divorce paperwork. Up til now the thought of it has sickened me, regardless of how angry or upset you've made me. I guess it still does. But I am done being part of this...shit, whatever you want to call it. It solves nothing and it takes a lot of me mentally and emotionally. You want to keep going down this path you insist on where you've got to screw other guys and hang out at bars and stay on dating sites and prioritize your friends instead of us, be my guest.
Below is what I originally wrote:
All I hear about is "Your" stance about me and "Your" requirements for us being together.
Do you want to know what my stance is? What my requirements are? What I see from down here?
You take absolutely no responsibility for anything in our relationship. What you did with Cali, the fact that you cheated AT ALL, much less sitting there and telling me it was the "best sex and you weren't going to give it up" - meaning you goddamn well weren't going to stop it no matter what, regardless of the cost to anyone - is one of the most vile and disgusting things I've ever experienced in my life. All the shit you hold against me, at least I've apologized. YOU have never once apologized for it. Not only the fact that it happened, but that you fucking FORCED me to "take it or leave it" and then, as part of the 2 years that we've actually been separated - note that for most of the first 10 months you were either with that STUPID FUCKING BASTARD when you had no goddamn good reason. You knew you couldn't have in a relationship but you fucking pursued him, regardless of the cost to you, me, Todd, anyone. And that was 2 goddamn years of my life you absolutely flushed down the toilet doing something totally fucking ridiculous. And all you have ever done is lie about it and gloss it over. And since June 2014, when YOU said you wanted us to "work things out" there have been at least two others I know of that you have just lied to my goddamn face about. NEVER an apology. Assfucker (Who I believe you were STILL fucking in June 2014) and Fireman, who you fucked in October/November 2014. Not only that, I still remember all the drunk bullshit texts I got from you after I chatted up Fireman on FB and he decided he didn't want to see you anymore. At least for the time being. You were so pissed that I screwed up your little Fuckbuddy. You remember that? I do. And not one fucking apology from you, ever. Not one. Period.
And ever since Todd has been down here, especially over the last year, you can't find the time to spend with either one of us. Obviously that would not have applied to me specifically the past few months since we have been at odds. But there is still ALL of last year. And you're stil like that to this day. From my vantage point, you seem perfectly fine with living up there and seeing us once every six weeks. In the meantime, your buddies take priority. Debbie and all those other people. Bars after work. Comedy clubs. Cowboy games. You're the life of the party. You've got plenty of time to do all that shit and make time to see us once every six weeks? And you've told me that you tell your envious girlfriends who want the "life of Shelly" that you say no - this was the worst mistake I've ever made. You may say that, but you sure as hell don't act like it.
You talk about cleaning up the credit mess. I've been after you for the past year plus to get that done. Did you care about that in all the time you were chasing after the one you just had to have, Miguel Manzano? Were you thinking about working with me to clean up credit as you were getting assfucked in a hot tub? Nope. That is something that we do as a couple, working things out. Not as a prerequisite for getting back together. And not while you assert your right to "do whatever you want".
You are never, ever going to make this all about me, because it isn't. You've never apologized for any of that fucking bullshit I've endured over the last 3 goddamn years. And it is And if you don't think that shit equals if not EXCEEDS anything you hold against me, you are sadly mistaken.
If you want to work things out, the first thing you are going to do is apologize to me. You have never done that. I, on the other hand, have apologized NUMEROUS TIMES. And if you don't think I deserve an apology, then you can forget everything else and we will get divorced, period.
And you want to bitch at me about you and your continued bad financial situation, when I know for a goddamn fact that you basically "wrote off" at least about 3000.00 dollars Jolene owed you from when you were still living in the rent house together. And you can sit there and room with her, drink with her, run around to events with her and come bitch to me about how fucking broke you are. Not to mention 300 bucks to Sandy and 300 bucks to Alex. That's about 3600.00 I know of. Do you hold that against any of them? It sure doesn't sound like it to me. So sure. Bitch about ME causing you to be broke.
So let's see. The men - Cali, which is the biggest one, the one that had the greatest impact on our lives (and certainly yours). Assfucker and Fireman. And let's not forget about the one you did before Cali. And those are just the ones I know about. But who's counting, right?
Another point. You want to make this about me not having a regular job and how we can't do anything until I do. Let me tell you something. I came down here 2 years ago because I had no vehicle and nowhere else to go...since you chose keeping your precious Cali instead of the house and me. I came down here for one reason and I'm kinda stuck here for another. I'm not here because it gives ME personally the best chance of getting back on my feet. That's one thing I know. If I was up there, I would have something. It might be a temp job, but at least I've come far enough to do that. I am here because of Todd. And apparently this is somehow my destiny, and I'm going to make the best of it.
And because from what I've seen over the past year with the time you like to allot to the 2 people that SHOULD be the most important in your life - Todd and I - you spend the least amount of time. If either of us meant what we should, you would find a way. It's a given that a person, no matter who they are or what they are doing, will make the time for the things that are important to them. We obviously aren't. And I really can't understand why you treat Todd like that. It has been like that the whole time he's been down here. This isn't a recent phenomenon.
And yet...you want to make this all about me and my shortcomings. You want to dictate the terms of our reconciliation and marriage. All the things I've listed above...I have endured over 3 of the most painful years of my life. And up to this point, all I've wanted is to work things out. Somehow I have managed to forgive you. Looking at all of it, I really don't know...how I managed to do it. Especially since you have never, ever, ever apologized for any of it nor do you show any remorse. What's more, you continue to do it. That's what led to what happened in July and basically continues to this point. Where I finally just had to stop talking to you after it became apparent to me what was going on. Again. And more than likely never stopped. You must enjoy what you do up there. You like going to bars and clubs and flirting and having guys hit on you. You really don't want to be married or you wouldn't act like that.
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