Well, what can I say? I've been upset with Shelly the past couple of days. Trying to figure out what it all meant and how I got there. I think I've felt every range of emotion the past few weeks. I had come to the conclusion that regardless of how we got here, it was pretty much done, regardless. One way or the other. And that is still true. But I guess it still hurts. I shouldn't be surprised. I suppose it's going to be this way for awhile. On one hand, I accept it. There is nothing further I can do. No more emails with impassioned, well thought out "valid points" trying to reason with her. No more arguing via email or text. It is quite clear there is nothing I can do, say, whatever, to point things out that will ever change her mind. Which brings up the point - after finding out what's really been going on the past 7 months, I wonder why in the hell it even matters? I'm not sure that it does - but it hurts nonetheless. I've gone from being so overwhelmingly shocked and angry that I was done to the inescapable conclusion that there was no other way, regardless...and yet...
As I said, I should not be surprised at my emotion swings. This is still a big deal to me. And the revelations and what they mean exactly...have really thrown me for a loop. I guess I was kind of surprised that even yesterday she still mattered enough that there was some little hope in me. I know what started this a couple of days ago. For one thing, panicking about Todd going home for the summer and me being painfully aware that my time with him here has fallen far short of my expectations, and I feel so guilty. And it makes me wonder why...and then I think about that. And thinking about his birthday, with no real means or opportunity to do anything nice in terms of party or present and thinking about Shelly having one for him there at home without me...and all the "family" which I guess will not be my family soon. Not to mention seeing the texts of going to Galveston and all the nice things she'll do for him this summer. Without me. And me discussing that pain with her and having her so matter of factly dismissing it as a fact of life like it couldn't be changed. And that plus the whole other deal just hurt and pissed me off again.
But I need to accept it. I need to get a job and a place to live so I can at least do this one big thing for Todd. That means staying here. And she won't move - and I'm not going through any more of this. What purpose does it serve except to prolong the agony while I think about her and she thinks of fucking Cali or whatever.
I'll finish this later, but a brief timeline of recent events. I've noted this before, but I think I had purposely backed off after Shelly's suicide threat and my having to send out the cops for a welfare check. And I was consumed with a lot of stuff here with Todd. This pretty much went on from 3/24 (or 3/25 the day after when she made her famous "I hope we can work through this" speech. Which was 7 weeks ago. From then til she made it obvious with her "me and toddles" future talk it was 4 weeks...can't remember how long that back and forth went...then that calmed down but it was only a little over a week before I found out the real Shelly/Cali details and went nuts. That was two weeks ago today.
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