Lots Of Conflicting Emotions...

sometimes one after another.  Hopefully soon I will set up a timeline of events and my thought process at the time.  In some ways, I don't know why.  I've got waaay too much on my plate that I need to get going as it is.  Don't really have the luxury of waxing nostalgic/wondering why/contemplating the meaning of life/etc.  I've already wasted enough time.  Note to self:  Please, for the love of God, please quit torturing yourself even more by creating fictitious Facebook accounts just so you can spy on what's going on in her life.  It's not worth it.  The pain is intolerable.  Knowing that the lie I've been telling myself for the past 7.5 months was based on a lie I thought was bad enough.  But it seems to be getting worse.  Everything she does just shows how thorough and effective she has been at almost completely excising me out of her life.  And when you are the last one hanging on, you can't help but be the one left behind.  When you're left behind, you're always trailing the ex.  Dealing with feelings and getting past things and into new relationships...realizing how quickly you mean so little  to someone who has been so much a part of your life... for at least 21 years prior to last October.  Sometimes it's a bit too much.  Even approximately 7.5 months later.  Especially when that 7.5 months consisted of so little.  My God.  I don't really know how I managed to keep hope for so long.  But especially with all the little twists and turns the past few weeks and months...

The timeline is below.  For now, some of the earlier stuff is approximated.  I may or may not be able to verify dates at some point in the future, if I choose to do so.

• Approximately 13 weeks ago I find out about Todd's problems with K-12 and first hear of the idea of him coming here to get into school/etc for the rest of the year.
• Friday, 2/21/14 - 12 weeks ago (from Friday, 5/16) - I head up to Ft Worth to pick up Todd.  Later find out due to miscommunication somehow Shelly thought I was just coming up for a visit.  Shelly and I go to Bronson Rock for what I guess will be our last date/event/meaningful time spent together doing something.  It had been almost 5 months since them.  And I had a wonderful time.  I had no clue, no idea...
• 11 weeks ago yesterday - Saturday, 3/1/14 - Gary and I go up to pick up Todd since Mom has to work.  We are not there for long, and stop by TUCP so Todd can say goodbye to Shelly.  Of course, I had no idea that the "so upset Shelly" was seeing/involved with/fucking Cali and would be meeting him that night.
• 8 weeks ago tomorrow - Monday, 3/24/14 - had to end up calling and having a welfare check done on Shelly after repeated threats of suicide.  I'm not sure, but it was either the next day or very soon thereafter that she called and made her famous "I hope we can work through this because I still love you" speech was made.
• 6 weeks ago - Friday, 4/4/14 - Take Todd to visit Shelly for the first (and only, I guess) time.  It had been 5 weeks since he left.  Went to Zio's and then to Best Buy for his gaming keyboard.
• 4 weeks ago - Saturday 4/19/14 - Busy weekend - Easter weekend.  Mrs. Lucius' 100th BD party at Asian City buffet in Palestine.  Todd loved it.  Then drove to Hunstville for "Johnny's" 90th birthday party.  Had a great time but I was exhausted.  Driving home was hoping that the "gaming mouse" promised by Shelly would be here.  It was.  Little did I know within a couple of days the last chain of events would start to unravel us for good.  One month ago today (4/21/14) I ended up losing, seemingly out of the blue possibly to her, but it was several comments she had made over the course of a few days regarding not knowing where "she and todd" were going to live after the lease ran out and some other things...all "Shelly and Todd".  Not us, not nothing.  At the time she was speaking about 4-5 months in the future...and after reading several texts like that it became clear that I was still not going to be in the future.  Even then.  And that was barely a month after she had expressed her "I hope we can work through this because I love you".

Well, that's a sweet sentiment.  At the time, it did mean something to me.  It means a lot less now.  "This" is not "working through" anything.  And she has given no indication that she was planning to, except to respond back angrily after me finding out she had not only lied about not being with Cali, that to some extent she had been "involved" with him.  The circumstances and details remain murky; I doubt I will ever hear the truth about that.  Between that and finding out from Cali himself all the personal details about our lives and every "bad thing" I had ever done or said being thrown back in my face...by a fucking worthless idiot who had no goddamn business knowing that shit.

Not to mention, I guess either I hadn't figured out at that point that Todd was wanting to come back to school here in the fall or...it was just brought up, etc.  Regardless, it became apparent that I would need to get a job and a place for us to live down here.  She wants no part of it, except to give one of her many vague speeches about "next year" blah blah blah.  Bullshit.

I think of some very basic things.  I think there was much more going on with C-man a lot earlier than I thought.  Despite what she says, it did have an impact on her rejection of my ultimatum to get rid of him.  She just couldn't help herself.  God knows what the actual circumstances were.  When she said "we go t really close..." I have no idea.  She always says "I was just a piece of meat" to him.   I suspect there was more on her side.  But for me to even think more about it...well.  

So when you get down right to it, she has never, ever, ever demonstrated even the most remote interest in doing ANYTHING to get "us" back on track.  From going to marriage counseling...to whatever.  I used to assume that when she told me she missed me and blah blah blah and that she didn't file for divorce...somehow I thought it meant there was still something there.  I still don't know what it means, but I know what it doesn't mean.  It's very simple.  If she wanted to work things out, "we" would find a way.  And one of the main reasons that she doesn't...at least from the beginning, was that she holds me and me alone responsible for "losing the house".  Not to mention the financial situation leading up to it.  To a certain extent, she does have a valid point.  However, she won't except her own personal responsibility for creating a situation in which I could not do what I needed to do to succeed, and therefore for us to succeed.  Everything became "All about the Shelly".   And remains that way to this day.