Well, I've Thrown Down The Gauntlet...

Yeah.  I say that.  And knowing that phrase means something to the effect of "challenging" someone, I don't expect much of a challenge.  Why should she?  I don't care how many "I still love you", "I miss u" blah blah blah I hear.  Perhaps I should look at it this way - For every one of those I hear, I hear 100 "You ruined my life" or "You wouldn't work" or "This is what I need right now" or "I don't have a clue".  I don't know.  I'm not her.  I can't pretend to know what her exact feelings are.  I can only go with what she has said in the past and the way she has treated me.

I hope she does understand that what I do, I do with no pleasure.  I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I see pictures of us, hear a song, see a movie - anything that triggers a reminder of what was once "us", my life,  and the knowledge that it will never, ever be the same.  I do harbor a certain amount of hurt and resentment that will take some time to go away, if it ever will.  Hurt and resentment because I will forever believe it was fixable.  One of the reasons it turned out it was not "fixable" is because she has never changed her opinion of the events that actually led to us losing the house nor the last year leading up to that event.  No.  I cannot give a 100% guarantee that had she NOT insisted upon keeping "Cali" on the side and treating me like a sexual "second class citizen" that it would have been enough to enable me to at least get a job and eliminate that aspect which was deeply affecting our finances and marriage.  I just can't understand the dichotomy of it all.  Then or now.  Her expressions of love and the desire (somewhat) fix the marriage yet stubborn goddamn refusal to do the things necessary.  That is what I mean when I call her selfish.  She will never understand that.  I could possibly never have made up for all the mistakes of my past, but perhaps one day she will understand that her stubborn selfish decisions of the past two years helped bring down us as a couple and a family.  And one thing's for sure, I've had enough of this bullshit about "You ruined my life".  Yes, I played a big part in screwing things up.  But the things she has done/said/the way I've been treated over the last couple of years just ensured it would happen.  I guess there is no changing that now, because you "Don't change the Shelly".