We are done. We have been for some time, I just didn't know it. Of course, I'm speaking from Shelly's perspective. I don't know - this could be a common emotional response from someone in my position. There always seems to be one wanting to make things work. Whether it's a dating relationship or a marriage. The one who "leaves" or wants a divorce generally has had their mind made up for some time for various reasons. Without discussing problems with their partner, the partner is blindsided when it comes down to this. And it could have been brewing for years. So there's always a leader and a follower. The leader has spend a lot of time thinking about it and is emotionally prepared, the follower is left to deal with various negative emotions and life changes that he/she wasn't prepared for.
This may sound a little bit ridiculous coming from me. It's not like I made the decision. If things continue as they are, I figure I will be the one that "legally" files for divorce. But she has been the one that made the choice. I still thought there was something there. Something we could really build upon. 21+ years that neither one of us really wanted to throw away. However, it's just not that simple and I know it. I know I refer to us "losing the house" as the baseline, and I base most of my arguments upon that. Shelly pretty much refers to that issue as well for the most part, but hers goes much deeper. The deep resentment of my not working, which led to serious financial/credit issues over a period of time. Regardless of what caused it and whether or not it was intentional, I do understand that. It's hard to summarize it without sounding like I am making excuses or rationalizing my behavior. All I know is once I got laid off by Verizon - and even before - I think because there was such a long transition from when we knew we were going to lose our jobs to the date we were cut loose (almost a year perhaps?) - it gave me a lot of time to think. And this was the second round of layoffs I had gone through. Perhaps three? There might have been two at Nissan. I was sick of not being able to follow through on my potential after earning a degree. I was about to turn 41 and I still didn't know what the hell I wanted to do with my life (career-wise). I just knew I wanted to do better and didn't want to have to suffer with the thought of layoffs constantly running through my head.
But - as much as I wanted it, I couldn't come up with anything viable. And my mental approach to getting another job had always been terrible. I don't know what it was, but it never got better. And once I was laid off, as time wore on the worse it got. As our financial situation got worse, I felt more pressure and guilt ridden. It just piled on ever day.
But I digress. The main difference between Shelly and I on this situation is that she basically hold me and me alone personally responsible not only for losing the house, but our financial problems up to that point. Of course she has a valid point in some areas. Instead of coming to me and doing something, anything - forcing me into counseling, talking to Mom privately or Joe or anyone in their family and getting them to talk to me/force me into getting whatever help was necessary to get me on track and therefore "us" back on track, she just let her resentment grow over the years. Finally it got so bad she decided to cheat. That was a personal ShellyChoice™. By the time I realized Labor Day weekend 2012 how bad things really were after she threatened to leave me, she was firmly entrenched in cheating.
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