What's Right vs What's Possible vs What I'm Going To Do

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking over the past three weeks and one day.  Too much time?  Perhaps.  Probably.  It was and is a big deal.  A game changer.  A deal breaker.  How it plays out?  I don't know.  I'm still dealing with a lot of emotional overload.  There's a lot of things still sinking in.  But some things really stand out:

• All my thoughts, dreams, aspirations over the last 8 months have been based on a lie.  I knew things were bad, obviously.  But I had no idea I was not only fighting against what I believed was Shelly's misplaced blame (all on me), but the fact that she was involved in some kind of relationship with Cali that was a lot more than just sexual.  That explains a lot of things.  I have no idea to what extent the relationship was, and I certainly can't count on Shelly admitting to me exactly what happened.  The only thing she will say is that they grew "close".    Not only did she constantly tell me he was just a toy, supposedly they had been "broken up" since around the end of November.  I always knew her involvement with him was something more.  It makes me wonder how much more and when things happened.  I'll never know.  I think this relates to her refusal to give him up more than she will ever admit.  Regardless, it got a lot deeper than she ever told me.  And I don't know how or if it was both ways or what was ever said.  I could tell by the way she talked about him when she was drunk when we went out to Bronson Rock in February.  I thought it strange at the time, but couldn't really put two and two together.  Not to mention the comment from Jerry about Shelly telling Sandy "this is going nowhere".  Where in the hell was a purely sexual relationship supposed to go?
• I feel violated.  Betrayed.  Gullible.  I feel like that was one of the main reasons she was suicidal in March - that he "broke up" with her/told her he was getting married/etc.  That is pure speculation, but it certainly fits.  And her comment after me sending the cops on the welfare check - "I hope we can work through this because I still love you".  And subsequent backtracks on other comments - When she acts like that, I have to assume that somehow they are screwing again or she's found someone else.  All I know is it means all this time she's been bullshitting me about this "miss you" "love you".  It means her credibility equals less than zero with me.  It means I assume just about everything she says is a lie.  It means she is way past me.  I definitely think it means I'm not trying anymore===>which can only mean divorce.  And I try to get away from that sometimes, at least thinking about it - because the emotions are still very raw.  For various reasons, divorce might not be the right thing to do right now.  For one thing, I don't want to go tossing that word around in our discussions just because I'm still hurt and upset.  But it goes beyond that.  I am still hurt and upset but the implications are inescapable.  I always considered us separated but married...and still wanting to do the right thing.  I like to think of myself as being rather old fashioned regarding marriage.  Til death do us part.  Giving things another chance.  The way Shelly has gone about this has really changed all that.  I've always thought that her anger and blame towards me was misplaced, at least to the extreme that she goes to making it all my fault.  That type of thinking not just the last 8-10 months but over the 1 year and 8 months has led us to where we are today.  I just don't think of us as married with a bond between us that somehow we could use to work through all this.  That has been completely and utterly destroyed, at least in my mind.  That means I don't feel like trying anymore.  So I won't.  No need to send cards/flowers professing my undying love.  For more than one reason.  I don't feel that way.  And for some reason, regardless of what's happened, that bothers me.  Because I've never felt that way before.  At least with the cheating we were still living together in the same house.   Technically we are still married, but with me being down here...well.  Not to mention that with all of her actions that I know about, it's quite obvious that no matter what I think or do it will never matter.  It hasn't for some time.  I just didn't know it.  Or understand it.  Now I do.  It has been all me for a long time.  There was never a chance except in my mind, and that was based on a lie.
• Will this change?  I don't see how it could.  Not after all this time.  There's a good reason why I would always get upset when I would see things on FB or hear things from her.  She was never planning on giving me a chance.  Why she would never just say "We're done" - I'll never know.  Really.  I don't think I'm ever going to ask and I doubt I would get the truth if I did.  And I certainly don't expect her to volunteer.  It doesn't matter what I do.