The Latest Thoughts On My Mind

It has been very difficult the past 3 weeks and 3 days since I "found out".  As it turns out, it's been a game changer for me.  I was about to say "as if it really made a difference".  The only difference it makes is in my mind, I guess.  And that's pretty much all that was left.  Things were much worse than I ever thought.  I doubt I ever had  a chance.  She has completely fucked my mind, I guarantee you that.  All this "I miss you" "I still love you".  "I hope we can work through this because I still love you"...well.  I can tell you one thing.  She is fucked up.  I don't know what to believe, except I believe just about nothing.  Especially anything regarding her.

It's really been tough.  It's been almost impossible to not get totally upset in some way when thinking about everything she has lied about.  Siobhan telling me not to throw away 21 years when she KNEW what the fuck was going on.


I always knew things were less than optimal.  I guess like the gullible idiot I am, I somehow did believe in fairy tales and that there was something between us that neither of us wanted to give up.  And I kept believing, despite the odds.  Despite the distance.  Despite having seen each other so rarely.  Things changed so much once Todd came down.  Today marks 12 weeks since he came down and 7 since we were there for a visit.  Roughly 14 weeks I guess since we first started discussing the possibility of him coming here.  That's when a lot of stuff started changing.  At that point, I had only been gone 4.5 months.  Now it's almost 8.

There are so many things.  There always were.  I think somehow she wanted to "forgive" me but she wouldn't allow herself.  She wanted to stubbornly blame me for everything that led up to losing the house and losing the house.  The way I see it, things were hopeless regardless.  I really think that had we filed and I got a job, she still would have ended up refusing to quit fucking Cali or would have agreed and tried to keep it on the sly.

I think of the sheer audacity of her attitude since I found out.  First telling me I couldn't tell her who she could see or couldn't see.  The very intentional (and unintentional) almost completely shutting me out of her life.  Hell, it was bad enough when I didn't know what was going on with Cali.  Much worse now that I know WHAT I know...and what I suspect went on.  She won't admit, but I think she fell in love with him.  At the very least...it was something much deeper than I ever knew about.  Regardless of how deep it went (which I doubt she will EVER tell me now) that is just...sickening.  That she could fall for someone at all, much less that quickly, tells me everything I need to know.  It means that I mean exactly squat.  Diddly.  Zero.  Nada.  Nothing to her.  Whatever there was or what I thought there was, I was wrong.  And I was stubbornly clinging to that idea - that there was something there underlying all the blame, anger, etc - that would see us through.  Turns out I was wrong.  I'll not try to make sense of the "why".  All the I still love yous and miss yous and I hope we can work through this.  Whatever I thought, I was wrong.  Obviously, over the past 3.5 weeks I have found myself really mostly...something.  How would I describe it?  I mean my feelings towards Shelly?  They have pretty much all disappeared.

The rational part:

• IF things were ever going to happen between us, it wouldn't  be quickly - and that was before it became apparent that Todd wanted to come back here for school.  Complications - but for him, I'll do it.  But that means somehow a lot more time away from her, and...I can't trust a single word she says.  Not about love.  Not about "us".  Not about "not seeing or fucking anyone".  

The other part:

• It's ok when I'm angry.  When I'm mad at her, I don't care.  What matters is when I hurt when I think back...I don't understand how she could do those things.  I really don't.  It means everything she said is a goddamn lie.  I had such hope for no good reason - and that's all gone.  We just need to get it over with.