As I sit here feeling the pressure on numerous fronts, I think about a lot of things. Perspective. How things got this bad. Why I am the way I am. Putting myself in Michelle's shoes. None of this is good at all. I/we are in a very bad way and the majority of it is my fault - and nothing has gotten better - it's just gotten worse.
A couple of things really stand out, perspective and putting myself in Michelle's shoes - but I will try to touch on all of the issues listed above and more. As I sit here on the next to last day to get something done about my ticket before it goes to warrant, I think about perspective. I guess it's natural sometimes to not think about "Gee, it's really bad now but just think if I had to do not only the same stuff that I'm finding nearly impossible to do now for various reasons, but even MORE stuff, handicapped by not having a legal vehicle, a warrant out for my arrest, etc. There are so many things - I mean, shit. This one is a direct hit on me (and most of them really are). I find it nearly impossible to call Mom not only to talk to her about the missing insurance check but to see how she is doing. Why? Because I downright lied to get the 1000.00 she was giving us to help out on a car because we were scraping by. And I find it hard (ne nearly impossible) to think up a plausible reason for not having a car when I do call her and I know it's going to be asked about. And her not sending a check? Well, those things really just don't happen. And we we scraping by because of other stupid mistakes. It shouldn't be this bad. But once again, even though we sold those damn Soccer tickets - not only can we not get by (my own joblessness notwithstanding) - for one thing Shelly keeps the cash from her job to herself and then it's fucking gone - from movies and stuff I don't even think/know about to whatever. So we sit here and squander money and I squirm because I don't know what we can pay or not pay and feel even worse because of it when I have a zillion things to do.
That's just one of many challenges - not to mention our normal, everyday money mismanagement. It's not easy now (obviously) and certainly hasn't been easy for a long time with all of these challenges. Everything that happens seems to be a direct result of some kind of stupidity on my part, and it usually is. I have felt the full brunt of these things the past year+ especially. And what's the bottom line? I do have to step up, regardless. I don't quite know how it is going to be accomplished, but it needs to be. As far as Michelle's part - I certainly have to understand how she feels. At this point - she's not going to be putting up with any excuses, regardless of what position I am in. I don't blame her. And what's going to happen from here? I don't know. I have to admit - I am absolutely scared shitless. I face many, many challenges. I have health/vision needs that need to be addressed immediately. I have to face job hunting (after tomorrow) with the prospect of not only not having a legal vehicle but having a warrant out - which means looking for a job - going on interviews much less actually driving to a job and every time I hit the street, if I get pulled over I'm going to jail. That is not pretty. Much less having gaps on my resume 9 years old (which can be partially addressed), being 50 years old trying to get a job in this economy, absolutely terrible credit. And all that adds up to what? I still have to get it done somehow. There's not much I can do except pray hard that God gives me the strength to step up - because I can't do it on my own.
No comments:
Post a Comment