I Guess This Is Really, Finally, It

The day I never hoped would come has apparently arrived.  In no small part due to my actions, of course.  Sunday may have been my fault, but I guess this was a long time coming.  I'm not all wrong, and (for whatever it's worth) I think I was right about quite a bit - and it showed.

I was about to say that I wish I had been able to focus on doing what needed to be done - and that's somewhat true - but it turns out (she says) that a lot of what I thought (and troubled me deeply) was true.  I don't know how long it would have lasted or if there would have EVER been anything I could have done to make it right again and us whole.  I tend to doubt it now.  So today, sometime today I guess - it will be done.  Obviously, a lot of the last nine years has been my fault.  I wish it hadn't happened that way.  I wish I had had the strength to do something about it a long time ago.  I don't know why, but I couldn't.  I don't know what I will do if the lights are cut off.  I'm not sure I can do anything to prevent it, short of begging for enough time to get to a pawn shop.  And how I'm going to have the gas to do it - well, I haven't figured that out yet.

Where I go from here - I don't know.  Right now, I don't care.


Update:  3/25/2013@ 11:30pm

As it turns out, that was not "it".  Thankfully.

I am stupid.  She's right about a lot of things.  I might not like it, and I don't agree with her on everything - but she's right - especially on "giving her shit" on that particular day in which she worked both jobs.  Not to mention we really weren't even talking about something that was still on the table.  Regardless, there has to be a better way to address any "issues".  Problem is - the particular issues I'm talking about have to do with things we have been arguing about for some time with no resolution.  The key - she's not off base here - is some resentment about finances (not to mention other things).  And yeah, some of that crap bothers me and it bothers me that when I bitch, sometimes I'm bitching about some things  that I don't have a leg to stand on because I haven't been doing anything.