Just One More Thing

I see what they mean when they speak of what works and what doesn't work in "open" marriages or "swinging" marriages.  You can't have a lot of problems - at least not specifically the kind we have.  It needs to pretty much have a "green light" from both parties equally with no reservations.  And it needs to enhance YOUR own sex life, not be THE thing about your sex life.  The inequities here aren't going to be easily overcome, if at all.  Once again, I understand her reasoning...not even sure there's anything she can do about it, at least not at this point - not with what's been going on (things I've done/things I HAVEN'T done).  It hasn't helped matters any.  However, 6 months later - has it really helped any?  Like I've said plenty of times - for awhile, (December?) I thought perhaps it would.  Again, whatever momentum I might have had has certainly diminished considerably.  I don't think I was necessarily wrong with everything that bothered me about the jacuzzi suite.  She seems to have a very selective memory about all that and I think was pretty damn selfish about the whole fucking thing.  But with all this house/car shit going on...I guess I'm lucky to be around.  Where we go from here - I have no freakin' clue.

Sometimes I get mad at Shelly about this.  I don't think it's her fault, as she has explained it to me.  I don't think that she would say it if it wasn't true.   I think the bottom line is that it's going to take a lot for me to get it there.  And that's what hurts me.  The knowing it isn't there.  Perhaps our sex together is better - but she certainly does not give much of a rat's ass about whether we fuck or not.  If we do, it's to keep me happy, not her.  I don't like that.  And if I agree with everything else she says, it's my fault for not making it happen.  But what am I gonna do?  Run off somewhere?   Kill myself?  I think not.  But this is killing me.

It's a credit to my own incredible brand of stupidity that this is where I am today.  Quite frankly, I think it pretty damn well sucks - but there is not a whole fucking hell of a lot I can do about it in a very short time.

So, just what does that make me?  The poor ol' sucker who married her 18 years ago.  I'll have to admit one thing - in looking back over the years, I guess I was very lucky to have gotten married in the first place to a beautiful girl that loved me more than anything else, and that we have stayed married all these years despite my not treating her that well.  And that was before the layoff and 9 years of fiascos since then.  I've done a lot of very shitty things over the years.  And some of those were in the first 9, not just the last 9.

While the intent here is not to make myself look as bad as possible, I guess that's the way I feel.  Hell, I feel bad enough about various things over the last 9 years, much less the first 9.  And I STILL haven't done one of the most important things to impress her/win her back/financially benefit us - do what I must on Imacros.

However - I'm not saying the way I feel doesn't hurt.  It does.  Big time.  It really hurts.  Especially now, because there is hardly anything in the world I can do about it in the short term.  And that just fucking blowz.  Knowing that it's her preference just to go out and fuck all night long and for me it's nothing.  And I don't care what she says.  It's not fair.  Depending on her mood/or the situation, she can range from downright not giving a shit "I want you to get your own side piece so you won't be worrying about what I'm doing" to at least somewhat caring that we do things together (VC/etc).

Despite all this, let me make one thing perfectly clear.  For more than one reason, I'm not looking to pick a fight.  I'm already in the hole.  For starters, I haven't provided an income.  Secondly, we've been fighting quite a bit lately.  Thirdly - throw everything else in here.  We need to concentrate on saving the house/getting a car/getting Todd's teeth fixed and helping make him a better student/getting him interested in something besides video games/eating and being healthier.

In other words - perhaps I'm not quite sure why I bothered to type all this.  I don't know.



Addendum:  3/17/2013 @11:22 am:

You know, it's strange that I've been sitting here all night, working myself up into a virtual (and real - somewhat) frenzy.  For some reason, within a few hours of Shelly leaving yesterday, I started feeling sad.  An emptiness.  Later on, it changed somewhat to being overwhelmed by everything that has happened and what needs to be done to correct it.  It was a few hours after that I started getting somewhat angry about the whole thing.  Up to and including what I've done/not done that puts me in an even worse spot to bargain/reason from.  I know things have not been good for awhile...then things got worse for obvious reasons.  I think this whole gone 24 hours thing to "get sum of dat good stuff" really irritates the crap out of me.  It's not that she's having sex with someone else or even that she enjoys it, it's the fact that I get no similar feelings.  And I know for what reasons and my part in that, and it really, really bugs the shit out of me.


Addendum:  3/17/2013 @ 2:41 pm:

Well, one thing I neglected to mention earlier was the fact that despite my feelings right now and overall on the matter, I'm not going to pick a fight over it.  It's not worth it.  Sometimes I tend to do that, especially when I'm mad and I think I'm right.  Right or wrong, I just can't deny the fact that the reality of it really hurts me


Addendum:  3/17/2013 @ 3:02 pm:

I'm not exactly sure where we take it from here.  Obviously, tonight I assume she won't get home til perhaps almost 6, perhaps a little sooner since she will just be assisting.  At any rate, I probably won't be back from transporting the kids home until about 8pm.  I'm really not in the mood to discuss it, so I guess I better put on a "I'm ok" face or eventually we will discuss it.  Discussion should be good - but we have discussed this to death.  And once I get upset, I start losing my train of thought and we end up discussing (read: fighting) over the same old stuff instead of me making a valid point and then discussing that, if possible.  And there are other things, I guess.  Let's make a short list:

• With my lack of providing income and pretty much causing a lot of the shit we are in, I don't have much of a leg to stand on ( as said numerous times earlier).  Regardless of that fact, I was never able to get anywhere when we discussed it before.
• The nuts and bolts of it?  She likes what she likes and if we do anything else, it's pretty much "humoring" me and not much else.  I don't like the idea of having to drag her to some function.
• The nuts and bolts of it - part 2:  I'm not going to be jealous of her having sex with someone else.  I'm certainly not going to be upset about her enjoying it.  After all, isn't that what it's all about?  It's supposed to be enjoyable.  I'm not trying to be selfish.  It all comes down to one thing.  It's bullshit right now.  To hear her talk about fucking all night and then I get the quick 20 minute scrap heap is more than I can take.  And that's all there is to it.  We've argued about this same thing too many times to count and STILL there's no resolution because she doesn't want there to be one.  She thinks that is fair.  I can't force her to enjoy sex with me but something has to change.
• This is exactly the type of situation that I hate to argue about.  And you know next thing it will be going out with Siobhan one night this week and getting fucked somewhere and then Cali somewhere - he won't be able to afford it so it will just be a quick trip to his house in Siobhan's car.

Addendum:  3/17/2013@11:31 pm:

Left to take the kids home about 7:15 or so.  Shelly spent about the past hour before that getting mad at me because she could tell there was something wrong - but I wouldn't tell her what.  And I guess I won't.   This isn't about acting a particular way to get a reaction of some sort.  It's just the way I feel.  That being said, it's been a much-discussed subject over the past month or so.  It would serve no purpose in bringing it up/discussing it again.  "It Is What It Is".  I guess that kind of begs the question as to why I even dwelt on it to the point that I let it bother me.   I wish it didn't  bother me - and I wish it hadn't started bugging me yesterday.  What exactly am I going to do about it?  Of course, now I don't know what I am going to say to blow it off - but for now I must.  I don't have time to have that shit taking control of my life.  About all I can do is hope to be able to bury it for awhile, but it WILL come back up, sooner or later  I guarantee you.


Addendum: 3/17/2013@11:57 pm: (final)

This is getting to be  a very large post - so these are my final thoughts...at least in this post.  Many times I have thought back to our "reconciliation" in September and the especially rough first six weeks or so.  There were times that when I thought about Shelly, it was like I didn't know her at all anymore - that person had ceased to exist.  Other times, she would really surprise me in situations where I was just expecting her to say "tough shit - that's the way it's gonna be" by either asking if (fill in the blank) situation bothered me or would say later that she didn't think I would "allow" her to do "whatever".  The situation I've been referring to this whole blog post is the former, not the latter.  Most definitely.


Clarification:  3/18/2013 @ 2:39 am

I was just sitting here thinking about this whole situation and the post I've made about it.  The quote that was running through my head was "I'd never fuck you all night" - well, of course that was never said by Shelly.  That was just one of the nasty thoughts running through my head as I was playing the situation back in my mind.  Technically, she said just about everything BUT that...when I compared her all night sessions to our 3-4 times a week (maybe) @ 15-20 minutes a pop...  She launched in to her little speech about "falling out of love" blah blah blah falling back into love ...kinda thing.  But she never said that "all night" quote.  However, what she did say was just about as bad.  And the thought of her doing that all night and barely giving me the time of day is what I would call downright fucking RUDE, to say the least.  And I doubt I would say the least. 


 
Addendum: 3/18/2013@2:58 am

Well, since there was a clarification, here's an update on the clarification.  My initial thought after posting the clarification was that I was overreacting.  I would have to at least consider the possibility that I still am.  However, any way you put it - I don't get diddly compared to what I give - sexually, that is (me personally and what I allow her to do).  A really big issue still remains - do I really want to fight about this?  We've fought enough over the past month or so.  However, it both hurts and pisses me off that she considers that some kind of equal trade.  Obviously, I need to be taking care of business on my end (and by that I mean NOT sexually - medically/sweeps/other.  It's my thought process that she needs to spend a little more time thinking about US than 24 hour fuckfests with side pieces.  If she wants to do something other than "do her wifely duties"  a few times a week, I think would be willing not to "cause any trouble" about anything else.